Showing results by author "Phil Torcivia" in All Categories

Preparing My "F*ck It" List Is it any wonder that I’m still single? Will there ever come an evening where I’ll quietly sip fine wine, watch Sportscenter, and engage in casual conversation with bartenders and patrons without leaving with writing material? Fortunately, that’s unlikely. I enjoy the freedom that comes with single life, even as I approach fifty. I frequently hear, “Don’t you want to have someone to grow old with?” That’s not high on my bucket list. Like any honest male, I seek and desire fine wine, espresso, and sex—in any order, thank you very much. I don’t ...

What is Nice Guy Syndrome? Nice Guy Syndrome is an affliction where a heterosexual male is frustrated because he finds himself caged within the friend zone of women he'd prefer to be dating. Often, he is a kind and sympathetic person who listens well, and lends a shoulder for women to cry on. He's loved and admired, but not the type of fellow women sleep with.If there is a hell, this is it, and I'm in the penthouse. I was raised to be a nice guy. My relatives and teachers instilled in me the importance of: Treating women gently Protecting and providing for women Listening to women without ...

Bad Boy Warning! You don’t want a bad boy, my dear; at least not in the real world. You can fantasize all you like about a scruffy, Harley-driving, tattooed beast who does things you thought you’d never allow. But, you don’t want to meet him, because eventually he’s going to shit all over you, emotionally. You need a nice guy. Forget that nonsense about how anything worthwhile is worth working hard for. If you wanted to buy a horse you could ride around the neighborhood, you would never opt for a wild bronco that would scream, thrash, and resist every attempt you made to civilize ...

With all of the diet books on the market today, where is a person to turn? Pages upon pages of fluff with doctored before and after pictures; indiscernible scientific mumbo jumbo; diet and exercise regimens that are impossible to follow and maintain. What if someone trimmed the fat from diet book and provided a simple plan to lose ten percent of your body weight within sixty days? Here it is. It costs under $1, it's under twenty pages, and it's all you need to find your beautiful new body, which has been hiding within you all along. The author used this diet to go from 194 pounds to 172 ...

Why am I still single? Another six months has passed and not much has changed. I’m still hopelessly single, which isn’t great, but it doesn’t suck either. It’s hard to explain and even harder for me to justify, even to myself. Like most humans, I enjoy mating (minus the annoying cleanup and byproducts). I was married for thirteen years, most of which were enjoyable. Yet, the longer I am single, the less tolerant I am about inviting someone into my space. I’ve become a bit of a recluse. In fact, I even got rid of my cell phone to avoid having my bliss interrupted by babble. ...

Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you’re married to or good friends with one. Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues. Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don’t seem to fit. Excerpt -- Snippity Doo Dah My initial vasectomy consultation is scheduled for today and I can’t get this song out of my head: Snippity doo dah, snippity aye, My, oh my, what a wonderful day! None of my sperm is going to stray. ...

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” – Mark Twain I’m at a New Year’s party with a bunch of friends, most married. Midnight is approaching, and I’m holding the tallest Bombay Sapphire and tonic I can find, because I haven’t found Miss Next. A married friend remarks. “Dude, who are you going to kiss at midnight?” “No idea.” “Why don’t you mingle and find someone?” “Maybe I don’t see anyone I’d like to kiss.” “Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.” “Neither can married men.” “But...” “Careful, lad. ...

Love ... Who needs it? I don’t know if this just comes with age or what, but I’m less patient with my relationships when I should probably be more patient. The first sign of any drama, no matter how sexually starved I happen to be, and I lose her number. Perhaps this makes me unpopular with the ladies. Maybe I’m getting a reputation.Meh What I am hoping is that by reading my take on the whole mating game, you’ll have a better appreciation for whatever predicament you’re in, be that anything between marital bliss and been lovin’ your fist.Karma Kicked Me Sure, I’m bitter ...

It's not easy being the nice guy. Would you rather your man be genuine or nice? Don't you want honesty? To be the nice guy I must constantly look for your best traits, admire them, remind you how much I appreciate them (but, not too often as that would be creepy), and avoid any sensitive areas. This is a chore I must endure if I'm to maintain any friends or lovers. Sad. Well, this book in my Nice Guy series lays out a bunch of crass, sarcastic, swear-word-laden essays chronicling my best efforts, which have failed because I still have two cats and zero vaginas in my bed. I hope that you ...

Are you single? Divorced or widowed, perhaps? Are you having your second, third, or fourth go at soul mate searching? Me too! Do you look around at paired-up peeps and wonder why you haven’t been picked yet? Or, as I have learned, do you acknowledge the happy couple and snicker silently because you know where they’re heading? In the eight years since my divorce, I’ve gone on hundreds of dates. Now, I could consider that a problem, which I should have taken responsibility for after failure, say, number twenty. On the other hand, I can see it as a natural process for someone with such ...

Is it true that nice guys finish last? It sure seems that way as a divorced man fights his way through a comedic dating scene. Will he ever find his soul mate? Phil has been called the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. Enjoy his humorous essays about relationships and the struggles we all have finding and keeping lovers. Women appreciate his open view into the minds of men. Artist Mike Swaim adds to the hilarity with his brilliant sketches, giving another dimension to Phil's quest for love.

In this audiobook, I lend my expertise as the datee, not the dater. I'm the man who knows men, and how you can net the one you want - for the time being. True, we men are slightly different, so you need to approach your prey appropriately. Let's say you'd like to date a married man whom, I assume, you're not married to. That's quite an evil desire, according to some. I'm not here to judge. Perhaps you want to bed a man who desperately needs something new, and who will leave you alone thereafter. Fine. Well, you need to approach this fellow a certain way.

A parody. Book #1. When old fart blogger Mormon Silver goes to interview young entrepreneur Bea Plastique, he encounters a woman who is stunning, smart, and scary. The unsophisticated, horny Silver is startled to realize he wants this woman (from behind, mostly) and, despite her mysterious love of ice hockey, finds he is desperate to get close to her (and honk her boobies). Unable to resist Silver’s oral skills, silver chin fur, and argyle socks, Plastique admits she wants him, too—but on her own terms. Stunned yet delighted by Plastique’s kinkiness, Silver hesitates. For all of her ...

Meet Phil, he's such a nice guy. Strip a man near fifty of his marital obligations, transplant him into the treacherous dating scene of San Diego, and something funny happens. Enjoy humorous essays about one man's struggle with relationships, love, and lifestyles on the West Coast.

A parody. Book #3. When silver-chinned blogger, Mormon Silver, first met the horny and hungry young entrepreneur, Beatrice Plastique, it ignited a boff-fest that left mattress stains and sore hineys. Frightened, curious, and still hardened by Bea’s twisted erotic tastes, Mormon struggles to keep up. Determined to match her raging sexual desire, he turns to ED medicine and adult toys. Now, Bea and Mormon have it all: syrup, toe-curling orgasms, and a world of freaky kinkery ahead. But, Mormon knows that peeling her away from her evil grandmother and douchie ex, Chris, will pose challenges ...

A parody. Book #2. Frightened by the wacky desires and twisted history of the gorgeous, boob-a-licious, young mogul, Bea Plastique, Mormon Silver has ignored all warning signs, and asked for her hand in marriage. Desire for Bea’s butt still dominates his dreams, and when she proposes a route there, Mormon cannot resist. They continue their sweltering sexcapades, and Mormon learns more about the disturbing past of his hungry, obsessed, and insatiable lover. While Bea wrestles with her sex toys, Mormon must deal with the fury and cock-blockage of her Grandmother, who came before her (of ...

Relationships - Who needs them? Relationships have become more exhausting than exhilarating. Is it just me? When I'm single, I'm prowling for my love. It's costly to my sanity and my wallet, trying to determine if she likes me—then doing things to make her like me more (and get naked). When I'm in a relationship, I'm juggling texts, dates, family gatherings, and baseball, doing my best to avoid disappointing my lover. Is it better to be married or single? Do you wonder what life would be like on the other side? When married, how peaceful single life could be. When single, how marriage ...

Enjoy the Thrillogy! Parodies: All three books in the Fifty Shades of Silver series are bundled into one box set--or, if you prefer, boxed into one bundle. Whatever tickles your tushie.Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks When old fart blogger Mormon Silver goes to interview young entrepreneur Bea Plastique, he encounters a woman who is stunning, smart, and scary. The unsophisticated, horny Silver is startled to realize he wants this woman (from behind, mostly) and, despite her mysterious love of ice hockey, finds he is desperate to get close to her (and honk her boobies). Unable to resist...

You single? How's that dating thing working out for you? Getting your recommended nightly allowance of love and affection? Or are you at the point where a bottle of Pinot, a good TV series, and a pet or two are all you need? Thirteen years of being single, after 13 years of marriage, has left me in a peculiar place - on Nice Guy Island. I'm not the aggressive bad boy who hooks women with his mysterious behavior. I'm polite, kind, and considerate, which translates into "f--king boring" for far too many potential mates.