What Do You Say?

How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home

By: William Stixrud PhD, Ned Johnson

Narrated by: Ned Johnson

A guide to effectively communicating with teenagers by the best-selling authors of The Self-Driven Child

If you're a parent, you've had a moment - maybe many of them - when you've thought, "How did that conversation go so badly?" At some point after the sixth grade, the same kid who asked "why" nonstop at age four suddenly stops talking to you. And the conversations that you wish you could have - ones fueled by your desire to see your kid not just safe and healthy, but passionately engaged--suddenly feel nearly impossible to execute. The good news is that effective communication can be cultivated, learned, and taught. And as you get better at this, so will your kids.

William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson have 60 years combined experience talking to kids one-on-one, and the most common question they get when out speaking to parents and educators is: What do you say? While many adults understand the importance and power of the philosophies behind the books that dominate the parenting bestseller list, parents are often left wondering how to put those concepts into action. In What Do You Say?, Johnson and Stixrud show how to engage in respectful and effective dialogue, beginning with defining and demonstrating the basic principles of listening and speaking. Then they show new ways to handle specific, thorny topics of the sort that usually end in parent/kid standoffs: delivering constructive feedback to kids; discussing boundaries around technology; explaining sleep and their brains; the anxiety of current events; and family problem-solving. What Do You Say? is a manual and map that will immediately transform parents' ability to navigate complex terrain and train their minds and hearts to communicate ever more successfully.

©2021 Ned Johnson and Bill Stixrud (P)2021 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“In an age when childhood anxiety, depression, and suicide are on the rise, parents need, more than ever, tools for communicating effectively with children. What Do You Say? could not have arrived at a better time and is essential reading for today’s parents.” (Booklist)

"Full of easy-to-implement tips, this is a resource parents will return to." (Publishers Weekly, starred review)

“A must-read for any parent who finally wants to stop arguing, bickering, and negotiating with their kids, but who also wants their children to succeed and do well in life. Stixrud and Johnson provide clear, actionable guidance on how to motivate kids to do well school, to conquer their fears and anxieties, and ultimately to pursue activities that bring joy and happiness. The advice in this book has already helped me become a kinder, more effective mom.” (Michaeleen Doucleff, New York Times best-selling author of Hunt, Gather, Parent)

Very logical and loving

Great ways to show love and respect to children. Also great insight to thoughts and psychology of parental actions. i loved the book and have started implementing communication techniques with my own children, they do work. i intend on listening to it again.

Excellent science based book.

This was wonderful. I will strive to implement these lessons in my daily life.

I would like a book suggestion that applies to the relationship with spouse.

Learned a lot

I enjoyed this book as it was full of useful tips and also included various scenarios with helpful suggestions on how to navigate those scenarios. They were very relevant to today’s parents. I implemented many of the suggestions and have already noticed improvements in how my kids and I communicate. This is a fantastic tool.

Parenting college class worth paying for

If there were a college for parenting, but the kind where you loved the curriculum and didn’t feel bored lost or preached to, this would be one of the classes you’d want to take.

Whether you think you’re a good parent or not this book is perfect for you

Actionable Advice

I really appreciate the rational approach to dealing with kids as future adults. Teaching them over telling them. Lots to work on with many examples and sample conversations/scripts. The book seems more appropriate for kids about 10 and up. Highly recommend.

Very good in every respect.

The book overs many aspects of the topic very well and always provides logical and implementable suggestions to address the situations being discussed. The presentation is not overly complicated or too lengthy and the material is easy to follow and incorporate in how you interact with children. I highly recommend the book.

Feels like the right way to parent

Excellent presentation, and an amazing resource for parents. BUT - don’t judge what you’ve heard in this book until you put it into practice. Highly recommended.

Parents of tweens and teens, read it

Especially chapters 8 & 9 about technology & sleep. The basic approach echoes most other parenting books out there but specific guidance on technology is hard to find. Others may find the section on how to deal w/lying helpful. I won't follow all their advice (like letting a 12yo girl sneak out with a friend because she woke me up to ask me? Ah, no.) But most of the examples are good and most of the advice is solid.

Really enjoyed

Not only high level concepts, but usable and personalized scenarios that can be replicated. I took notes!

Best parenting book

If you only have one parent's guide to read, this would be my choice. The book is a continuation of The Self-driven Child, where the basic principle of collaborative problem solving and autonomy education is explained. However, only here in this book a large number of typical problems and communication patterns and situations are presented, which make it possible to put the principles of education for autonomy into one's own parenting behaviour.

I recommend it to all parents, but also to professionals in the field (teachers, educators).