There and NEVER, EVER Back Again

By: Jeff Mach

Narrated by: Jordan Reader

"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me."

Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.

....and

The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.

There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.

©2019 Jeff Mach (P)2019 Jeff Mach

You will love it or will hate it

I have look at dozens of book reviewing website for this book and I can say in my library of over 3000 audiobooks I have never seen such a split in half. I can literally only find one or five-star review with no exception.

Nice story, wrong narrator

The story is nice and different, however the main female protagonists sound male, deep male voices. It ruined the story.

I may be biased, but I loved it.

I couldn't enjoy this book any more if I had written it myself.

And I honestly can't imagine anyone listening to part of Jordan's delivery and not wanting to hear the rest of it.

a good story.

the narrator whas bad sometimes but i like it and i recommend it . .

It was good probably a better to read it

the editing was bad. sentences would restart from clearly a new take. The actor should have been female as thats who the characters mostly are. His dark lord voice is goofy but not distracting. The story is very good overall if it wasn't for the editing bit everything else was fine.

Awesome

This is a pleasing short story into the dark side! Here we have a fluent super villain pontificating their existence while besmirching the good names of elves and unicorns. I highly recommend this book.

Grab It

This is an easy, fun story for any minion who wants to get a feeling of what’s going on in their Overlord’s head. It’s almost pleasant. Recommended!

So good, I bought the hardcopi then the audio book

Amazing story. Interesting theme. Good voice performance. Strange storyline at first, but then you get into it after the humor grabs you in just the first few minutes. It's been years since I've been able to get into a tilted-universe, philosophically-based type of Sci-Fi like (as mentioned in previous reviews) Douglas Adams, etc. Originally I started reading it on Kindle - liked it so much I bought not only one hardcopy for myself, but a second hardcopy for my oldest kid, then the Audible audio book for myself. Definitely an interesting and unique (but in a good way) work. It's one of those books/stories where I'm sure as I step away from it or discuss it with others who have read it as well, that I will come to realizations that I missed the first time around and be drawn back to read or listen to it again. That is the definition of a good book to me - one that draws you back again and again and again...

Expand your mindfulness. Definitely a worthwhile read...

NOTE REGARDING THE 1-STAR REVIEWS - there is a group of individuals out there (whom I have discovered through research on the author) have a personal vandetta against the writer. You will note that most of the 1-star reviews are NOT verified purchasers, but random (and sometimes anonymous) reviews from trite, childish, cowardly individuals who have not even purchased let alone read this book, but who are set out to effect this author's reputation.

I take great exception to this practice if for no other reason than it attempts to nullify the opinions by those of us who have purchased and have taken the time to read this work. I do not like bullies, regardless of the context.

If you are one who reads reviews like I am, please take into consideration the validity of the review, particularly those that don't even reference the contents of the book. I assure you, if you read the reviews intelligently enough, you can spot the ones who are not intelligent enough to have even read the book. Thank you.

Great Deal

It’s a work that, for all its comic veneer, aims high and takes chances. For most listeners familiar with the romance tropes that saturate pop culture these days, this is more than enough reason to pick up the book.

The story is delightful, narrator needs work

I love these sorts of irreverent stories, and I was greatly looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, I was unable to continue listening, as the random errors in the recitation, bizarre emphasis, and mispronunciation of certain words made it difficult to even follow the story for long.