The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4

De: Rick Gualtieri

Narrado por: Christopher John Fetherolf

IT’S HARD TO LIVE FOREVER WHEN EVERYONE WANTS YOU DEAD.

This omnibus contains the first FOUR books of the bestselling Tome of Bill urban fantasy series - over 30 hours of epic horror comedy.

Gamer, geek, and vampire – Bill Ryder was a normal guy who's now trying to survive in a world of abnormal horrors. Despite awesome powers and a Brooklyn-sized attitude, the odds are stacked heavily against him. Bill must fulfill his destiny and save the world from the ancient terrors threatening it – all while trying to build some semblance of a social life.

Includes:
BILL THE VAMPIRE (Book 1)
Bill Ryder was a dateless dork until he met a girl to die for. So he did. Now he's a vampire. Too bad he's still at the bottom of the food chain.

SCARY DEAD THINGS (Book 2)
One of the most powerful vampires on Earth wants Bill Ryder’s head. A pint-sized princess wants the rest of him. It’s not clear which fate is worse.

THE MOURNING WOODS (Book 3)
A war is brewing between the vampires and Sasquatch, ancient enemies since the dawn of time. If it can't be stopped, all of humanity's darkest nightmares will be unleashed.

HOLIER THAN THOU (Book 4)
On the eve of war, The Icon – prophesized destroyer of the vampire race – has arisen. There's just one small catch: Bill’s in love with her. Panic is about to break out within the ranks of the undead, and he’s caught smack dab in the middle of it.

Join Bill in these side-splitting tales of myths, monsters, and middle-fingered mayhem. If you enjoy The Dresden Files, The Nate Temple Series, or The Preternatural Chronicles then prepare to die laughing with this vampire comedy.

And don't forget to check out the Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 for more of Bill's adventures.

©2015 Rick Gualtieri (P)2015 Rick Gualtieri

buckle up and put away butthurts

great punny funny story, about a poor schlub doing his best just to exist. then he gets bit. then it comes with some special side effects that puts him in everybody's crosshairs. little corny, lot of innuendo, an absolute load of what the dorky little perv is thinking at the best and worst of times. all in all, I have been locked in and it's a great mind musher. no big massive plot line that is strict and defined, just life and times of a geek with superpowers and a razor whit. did I mention his Dungeon Master friend likes cutting him up? for science? how about a poor defenseless cat exploding due to house-sitting munchies? only issue that distracted me from the insanity driven peyote trip this story is, was sometimes the narrator would slip up and immediately re-record a line. or between chapters his voice would be louder or softer. at first I though it was my phone being strange and rewinding or changing the volume. but that fell slightly to the edit. either way, great story, will continue to listen.

Phenomenal series

I absolutely love the Series! the narration, writing style, plot. Characters and pacing are absolutely perfect. I definitely recommend this book.

Like a gaming session with your buds

I swear some of these characters are actually based on my friends. The sarcastic witty banter and remarks reminds me of the old days gaming and bbqing with my buds. Been a great series so far and I find myself laughing out loud quite a bit. If you have the kind of friends that constantly bust on each other and prank you when they can, this is the book series for you. So many odd situations that are just laugh out loud awkward that at some spots I had to rewind just because I was laughing to hard. Definitely worth the read or listen!!!

I keep coming back

I have listened to these first 4 books so many times but I keep getting busy I finally finished them and they are so good

Bill for life

What can I say I wasn’t expecting this!! Bill and company have me dying of laughter. It’s just like being thrust into a corner and all you do is laugh about what’s next

Disappointing

This is the type of series that makes you want to scream at why the MC is so dumb. First he is constantly getting dumped on by literally everyone. Two he never learns from experience.Three he is told he has potential but never try’s to learn about his abilities or get stronger in anyway. This whole series is just disappointing

If you are older than 17 or a woman, don’t bother!

Not one to waste an Audible purchase, I TRIED listening to this childish drivel. Should have taken heed to some of the not so favorable reviews. Isn’t even good background noise to fall asleep to.

Being a grown woman, I did not appreciate the fratboy immaturity & sexist tones of this book.
IMO, the writer has issues in crafting likable, realistic, adult characters and should have written the primaries as teens.

I Tap Out

I don’t ever leave reviews. But I feel like I need to warn others before they waste a credit on this book.

But before I do, let me share a bit about myself so you know where I’m coming from.

I’m 39. A dad of two sons. I am a heavy book reader. Heavy audiobook listener. I’ve taken some writing classes in college. I enjoy studying how stories are made. I especially love a good anti-hero. I love nerd culture. I love dark and edgy humor.

I thought this book would be perfect for me. It is the only audiobook I’ve ever given up on. I only got 10 hours into it—first trying to give the author a chance to make the book enjoyable. Then my effort to continue was based on a dare with myself. Then I only got another hour in because I realized I was in a self-loathing mood and was using this book to punish myself.

The main character is immensely unenjoyable.

This is Bill.
Bill is a collection of all things toxic about men.
Bill is a slacker and doesn’t care about contributing to society.
Bill is really horny and feels entitled to put his manhood inside a woman, regardless of how much she doesn’t want that. And the author really needs to hammer this one fact in.
Bill just wants to have a good time and play games. (Nothing wrong with that—as long as you contribute to society and don’t really, really want to pressure women into sex.)
All solutions so far in the book seem to be based on being an “alpha male.”
Bill likes to use homophobic slurs and ableist slurs.
He is a sincerely unenjoyable character.

And unfortunately, the writer can’t seem to write any other character but Bill into the book. Almost every character—I mean almost every character—acts and talks like Bill. Even the women act and sound like Bill.

The audiobook narrator makes this issue worse because he too has nearly only one character he can voice: Bill.

So when I’m listening to the book, I just imagine a world of Bills—and if it’s a woman, it’s just Bill wearing a wig and dress.

I get that Bill is a reluctant anti-hero character type. But the author forgot a factor needed to make a character like Bill enjoyable.

Anti-heroes need something redeemable about them.

A tragic backstory? Ten hours in, and nothing about why this character is a piece of trash.

Maybe a redemption arc? I doubt that’ll happen, for how “all is Bill and Bill is all” this book is. That would literally force an entire tone and story shift to something completely different.

Something worth defending? He doesn’t even have a pet. He just lives with two other Bills in an apartment. He doesn’t have a love interest—he just wants to wear the female Bills down until he can finally have sex with them.

A compelling mission to complete in the story? As far as I can tell, the story is mostly about having the biggest Bill vampire wiener and taking down other enemy Bills.

Without any of those, the character isn’t an anti-hero. He’s just a garbage human.

There is no one in this book I care about or want to succeed. The main character sucks. The supporting characters are Bill also, so they suck. And the antagonists are meant to suck, so I can’t root for them. But they’re also Bills, so they double suck.

The world is just modern-day California. So that’s not interesting at all—not enough to make me want to experience more of the book.

This book is monotonous. The word monotonous means it just has a single tone.

If this book were a song, it would include a one-note melody, on an instrument probably played with maximum testosterone and utilizing a penis (so the ladies can enjoy the meat display at live concerts). And the chords would just be the same note as the melody, just played on other instruments (played with maximum muscle flexing at the beta males so the ladies will definitely sleep with the band instead of the men who brought them). The song would last 40 hours, like this book.
And to keep with the spirit of the book, the song would be titled “Premature Ejaculation.”

I hope you found that funny, because I needed to demonstrate good dark edgy humor—which this book claims to have, but lacks.

It’s just uninspired.
Yes, Bill, I know you’re horny. I got it the first time. The twelfth time is really starting to wear me down—just like your strategy with the women.
Yes, Bill, I know you once sucked but now you have cool vampire powers and you’re amazed by it. You still suck, by the way. You just suck and have vampire powers. Please stop pointing this out to me.
Yes, Bill, you’re not gay. You’re not “retarded.” You’re not a “gay retard.” It seems like you’re overcompensating for how often you need to state this. And as someone who works with special needs children and cares about the LGBTQ+ community, I want to find the author and kick him in his penis. Which I’m sure is named Bill.

Good humor is complex and thoughtful. It has great timing. It builds up. The humor here is basically internet troll humor.

To put this in perspective, I have genuinely enjoyed reading a bottle of Suave shampoo ingredients label while I was stuck on the toilet without my phone more than this book. I’ve read the same label multiple times. I like how it says Hydroxypropyl Methylcellulose on it. I’ve found the label enriching to my life—as much as it’s enriched my hair.
This book falls very short in comparison.

My last thoughts:

My college writing teacher always pressed on us to “write what you know.” Well, the author made it very apparent what he knows. I would expect this level of writing from a 15-year-old boy. The lack of insight and painful and ill-timed boners would explain so much about the writing quality. But it was written by an adult man with a wife and kids. Who I’m assuming will, at one point in the near future, be an “ex-wife and he will have visitation hours with the kids.”

I am baffled that the author managed to write eight books in this series, plus one with another author, and then spin off another series with Bill. How?

If this book series were an album, it would be 14 songs of the same note.
The album would be called “Date Rape.”

See, that is humorous writing.

Incel nerd MC

I am going to paraphrase a few paragraphs and if you like them, you will likely like the book. If you do not you will not likely like the book.

Bill the vampire: I couldn't do it! I couldn't bite the man, not because I dont want to kill someone but because it would be gay to bite a man. I could if it was a hot chick though, no wait that would be a waste. I could bite a fat chick.