Self-Reg

How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life

By: Dr. Stuart Shanker

Narrated by: Robert Fass

The first parenting book to bring the science and psychology of children's behavior together to build brain/body awareness for self-regulation and success.

Self-Reg is a groundbreaking book that presents an entirely new understanding of your child's emotions and behavior and serves as a practical guide for parents to help their kids engage calmly and successfully in learning and life. Rooted in decades of clinical practice and research by leading child psychologist Dr. Stuart Shanker, Self-Reg realigns the power of the parent-child relationship for positive change.

Self-regulation is the nervous system's way of responding to stress. We are seeing a generation of children and teens with excessively high levels of stress and, as a result, an explosion of emotional, social, learning, behavior, and physical health problems. But few parents recognize the hidden stressors that their children are struggling with physiologically as well as socially and emotionally. An entrenched view of childrearing is seeing our children as lacking self-control or willpower, but the real basis for these problems lies in excessive stress.

Self-regulation can dramatically improve a child's mood, attention, and concentration. It can help children to feel empathy and to develop the sorts of virtues that every parent knows are vital for their child's long-term well-being. Self-regulation brings about profound and lasting transformation that continues to mature throughout life.

Shanker translates decades of his findings from working with children into practical, prescriptive advice for parents, giving them concrete ways to develop their self-regulation skills and teach their children how to do the same for optimal learning, social, and emotional growth as well as for overall well-being.

©2016 Stuart Shanker (P)2016 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“Though this book takes children’s needs as its focus, it is really focused on providing guidance - and even a degree of consolation - to adults as they navigate the often tricky parent-child relationship. Shanker gives readers clear explanations of even the more complex neurological information, such as the role of the limbic system, as well as ample diagrams. And the discussion does not stop at the early childhood stage, moving ultimately into adolescence. If the stressed populations most in need of this book’s lessons can find the time to read it, they will appreciate its potential to bring the minds of both parent and child to a state of heightened attentiveness with minimal anxiety.” (Publishers Weekly)

"Comprehensive data backs up a much-tested system that assists parents in getting their children to a calmer state of mind....straightforward and will be useful for any age level." (Kirkus Reviews)

“Our digital age is stressful, frantic and over-stimulating. Raising a child today requires an understanding of self-regulation. Self-Reg is a wonderful guide for parents, a way to understand the hidden stressors facing children, and their neurological, psychological, social, and emotional effects. Dr. Shanker helps parents not just to understand the meaning of their child’s behavior with compassion, but, just as essentially, how to calm themselves in order to better guide their children toward more positively engaged living.” (Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age)

Best book on belong yourself and your children.

This was one of the most informative and helpful audiobooks that I have listened to. I have been a practicing therapist for over 20 years and I listen to and read 10-15 therapy related books each year. This book has helped me to look at therapy and human needs (my clients AND my own) in a very different manner. I recommend it for everyone but especially anyone in the helping or teaching professions as well as anyone with their own children.

Illuminating

This book really helped me understand some of my child's behaviors, and better yet what to do about them. I do wish the action steps provided were a little more robust, but just understanding my role better will, I think, be immensely helpful for both of us.

Lens changing look at your kids and self

The information conveyed in this story has been a game changer as a parent. It has helped me view my children's behavior through an entirely different lens and has helped us through the ups and downs of parenting. I highly recommend this read for parents and educators. #Parentingtips #Lenschange #Forthekids #Tagsgiving #Sweepstakes

Loved it!

This will help me so much in so many ways! Best book ever! I can't wait to tell others!

Excellent Read!

for all those parents who have kids with ADHD, this is a must read. I would also encourage those adult who have issues with self regulating for whatever reason to read the book as well. 

Good start, good ending, meh middle

The first few chapters and the final chapter saved this book from a mere 3 stars.

Misbehavior is usually a stress response. The stress response turns on the physical and turns off the mental. There’s no rational part of stress only fight, flight, or freeze. Approach the deregulated child by changing the physical—dim lighting, lower sounds, give a hug or a hand. Above all, stay regulated yourself—though it’s not easy.

I found the sections on the interbrain, the emotional connection between parent and child, to be helpful. The parent’s emotional reaction matters.

The middle chapters were just stories about children and teens. Shanker gave a lot of info you know already. Video games over stimulate. Social media is not social. Junk food makes everyone feel worse. Exercise and sleep make everyone feel better.

Also, there was quite a bit of rural moralizing. Shanker thinks that urban and suburban environments are over stimulating. I think that’s a stretch. Maybe it’s true, but I think getting my child off Fortnite would be more useful than moving Grandpa’s farm. There are plenty of negatives to rural life as well. Shanker doesn’t mention any of them.

I was hopeful at the start of the book that Shanker would give some calming activities. He says in the first chapter or so that meditation isn’t for everyone and I was so relieved to hear it. That’s why I kept going. By the end of the book he has only mentioned breathing, yoga, and calming quiet music. I don’t mean to be dismissive, but those are recommendations an adult may never try.

If you’ve started the book and don’t want to finish it, skip to the final chapter. It all starts with the parents and not the child. I appreciate Shanker letting go of parenting styles and telling you it’s never too late to start. I have started belly breathing and it is helpful…for me, the parent.

Phenomenal

I've read over 30 parenting books in the past couple of years, including excellent pieces by Tsabari, Greene, Markham, & Siegal, but I found Self-Reg really touched a chord, and is the perfect complement for those other works, which I'll continue to revisit. Self-Reg has the advantage of being something that I'm already using myself, for myself, not just in my role as a parent, but also as a physician, educator, husband, artist, and human. The narrator's soothing voice made learning the material easier, very much in keeping with the basic premise of Self-Reg. It has even changed my meditation practice to a practice of self-regulation, and that has made all the difference. I believe I'm already a better parent, ironically, just as my child became a better son. :-) Go figure! I really like this book, I just started my second read/listen, this time via Kindle version.

Helpful Reference for Entire Family

My husband and I found this to be a very helpful reference for working with our kids and also ourselves. Preventative maintenance is it concept that we haven't really placed as much effort on now that our kids are older and we were reminded through this book to watch for the signs and prevent chaos before it happens. The science behind the book is also very helpful information to refer to.

Great information!!

I enjoyed this book and although this information is not a surprise it is a nice reminder! I especially like how it talks in present time with present struggles with some recent sound studies to back it up.

A must read for anyone raising or working with children

As a psychotherapist, this is one of the most important books I’ve read to date. It has helped me reframe so much of the volatile behavior I’ve seen in children, parents and couples, and enabled me to reformulate my approach.