Parenting is hard. It may be the most ambiguous job you’ll ever have. Not only do you have to wait literally years to see what the “finished product” truly is – you have to get through adolescence and social media influence and screen time and drug use and hurt from relationships and broken bones and just basic screw-ups on your part – but there’s no guaranteed rule book.

Today’s episode is on the stage of parenting, where you leave the “teaching” stage of parenting to the “consulting” stage. You move from having a very central, controlling role with your kids to a less primary, but still very important role. You don’t tell them what to do necessarily – but you offer guidance. And if they fall, you help them get up. You show your belief in them – you don’t try (as hovering helicopter or even worse lawn-mower parents do) to make sure they’re not facing any obstacles. You may think you see the obstacle before they do – but they’re grown. And they’ve got to live out their choices – just as you did. Or hopefully you did.

We’ll be using three different listener comments or questions – and as always, thank you for writing in!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Therapy-misspeak – overusing the terms used by psychologists and doctors and therapists – has blown up in recent years. Words that are used in the mental health world to diagnose or describe certain mental illnesses or traits of mental illnesses have become part of everyday language. But not in a good or accurate way.

The trend seems to be leading… not to better mental health – but to a dilution of the actual pain or hardship that is mental illness as well as to hinder you learning how to talk more plainly about your emotions or experiences.

1. Not all jerks are narcissists.
2. No one has one day where you have bipolar disorder or OCD.
3. A reaction isn’t a trigger.
4. Getting hurt isn’t necessarily trauma. It’s important but it’s not necessarily traumatic.
5. Imposter syndrome isn’t the same as feeling initially overwhelmed by something you’re trying to do or become.
6. Self-care isn’t as powerful as self-respect.
7. Borderline isn’t you feeling out of control.
8. Panic is more than feeling anxious.
9. And toxic? Poisons are toxic. And maybe something is poisoning you. But you’ll grow a lot more if you describe what feels poisonous to you.

Today’s listener question isn’t a question. I was very touched by the words this listener wanted me to hear – and told her so.

HuffPost piece: “Dealing with a narcissist” - all jerks aren't narcissists.

Early SelfWork Episode on narcissism

Research article on therapy-misspeak

The Instagram account of Raquel the capacity expert

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

ADHD in women is finally being diagnosed for what it is and has been!

Understood.org, a leading resource for people with learning and thinking differences, has launched a new podcast series, Climbing the Walls, a new limited-series investigative podcast. Hosted by health and science journalist and documentarian Danielle Elliot, the podcast explores what led to new ADHD diagnoses among women ages 20–49, which nearly doubled between 2020 and 2022 (CDC).

Across six episodes, Elliot weaves together scientific explanations with personal stories, describing significant problems with such things as executive functioning and rejection sensitivity.

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Do you know how to heal from an affair?

This episode is once again motivated by a wonderful question from a listener. He’s a guy whose been in a relationship for many years – had an affair – or as he says “I cheated." But he now realizes that he still has deep feelings for his girlfriend. He wants to know how the two of them need to approach reconciliation together. I was struck by his sincerity and honesty, and decided to feature his comments and question.

There are very specific things I’ve learned about how to heal from an affair or affairs. It’s not easy but it can be done. I’ll offer seven of those caveats today.

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today's episode is about watching my mother disappear.

She wasn't a magician; she didn't physically leave all of us. She disappeared after she very bravely went into rehab and got off the massive amounts of prescription drugs she'd been taking for decades.

My mother would've been 100 years of age this week, a feat she wouldn't have liked as she hated aging. I think of her a lot but decided that, in an episode that I hope honors her, I wanted to describe how addictions to prescription drugs can happen so easily.

She was beautiful, very thin, and smart - all the things women were supposed to be in the 1960's. And when she sought help for what were panic attacks, she was handed her "nerve pills." And that was it.

This is a repeat episode. And her story bears repeating. She once said, "I wish I'd known what these meds were doing to me."

And I want you to know. Please share with anyone who might be struggling.

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Do you chat with a bot these days? Is AI feeling like therapy to you?

Here's a new "You get the gist" segment of SelfWork!

I was surprised the other day by someone saying that – in their battle with an upcoming divorce and ongoing separation – that they’d been talking with an AI chatbot. And that it was helping in its own way.

It reminded me a little bit of the first time a new client told me that they’d met their spouse or dating partner online. It was said with some embarrassment or certainly hesitation. “I know it’s kind of weird, but we were both on Match and it just worked out.”

The guy that told me this wasn't, to me at least, a likely candidate to use AI. But he was very happy that he had "someone" to share his ideas and get feedback. Right in his own apartment after work.

Then I began wondering. “Maybe more do than they’re letting on. Maybe you listeners have tried it out.”

So I thought I'd ask! And will talk about your answers more in an upcoming episode of SelfWork!

Thanks ahead of time for your feedback!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Conflict can work for you and help you create more intimacy in your relationship.

I’ve worked with so many couples on how to work through conflict. And there are definite things to do and things not to do. As I said in the last episode (which you might want to listen to if you haven’t..) a relationship that avoids conflict, where one or both people don’t talk about the elephant in the room, is also avoiding (or not creating) intimacy. If they sense conflict, one or both will change the subject. Or there’ll never seem to be time for “that thing we’ve been saying we need to talk about.”

Today we’re going to address seven excuses or justifications (or what may be wrongly called “reasons”) how conflict sticks around – and doesn’t get worked through. And we’ll also focus on how to realistically approach conflict in ways that promote greater understanding and intimacy.

Difficulty with apathy in a relationship

Harvard Article on conflict resolution

The Visibility Gap Podcast

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

In this episode, we’re going to focus on nine very real consequences or dangers of avoiding conflict in partnerships, in marriages, and in committed relationships. It’s a response to a listener’s question – and I’ll read a part of her email. In general, conflict-avoidant relationships also become intimacy-avoidant relationships. Avoiding the conflict can stem from fear of the loss of the relationship or defensiveness. And it can lead to everything from bitterness and resentment to affairs.

Next week, we’ll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict in relationships where it’s safe to express it. It's a skill that you can practice and learn with each other - and grow your emotional and even sexual intimacy even further.

YouTube video on affairs

SelfWork episode on talking with someone you love about suicidal thoughts

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!