We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started. This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown. We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily. The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.

How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child. This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily. We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills.

Time Stamps

3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen

7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below)

8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below)

11:08 It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”. Be honest

13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation

• Trauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)
• 14:55 Definition of Trauma
• 21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)

19:50 Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child

20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle

20:30 Every step makes a difference

21:12 Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter

22:15 Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable

25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child

27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated. Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?”

28:44 The parenting dialectic: I am trying my best AND I still need to do more

30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic

31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation

34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm

32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior

40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition

41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples)

43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.

Leslie-ism: Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns

Resources:

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD

The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy. The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Trauma Treatment Resources:

• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PE
• Prolonged Exposure
• Cognitive Processing Therapy - CPT

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,

Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily. Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years. They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.

Time Stamps

4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting

7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity

8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg

8:48 #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening

8:54 #2 goal - give you skill and strategies

9:01 Assumption: She’s doing the best she can at the present time

9:58 Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING

16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger

16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on

It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking

18:40 Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings

19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room to help someone talk

21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk

• Give her space and time
• Invite her to share when she’s ready
• Validate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are there
• Use statements rather than questions
• Warning: don’t add the BUT
• Using rating scales

29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child

34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations

36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”

39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective

41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions

Resources:

Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia

Video of how to get someone to open up in a conversation

Metaphor of the Iceberg

Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist: 3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents -

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child.

Time Stamps

3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis

4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.

5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”

7:10 Helping parents helps our children: realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood

11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions

13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change

• Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happening
• First thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion.
• Then move onto solving the problem

20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)

22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child: repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples

25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind

• Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name it
• Rate it
• Distraction
• Flexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic AND
• Ice pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold water
• Breathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)
• Puzzles, activities

25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate

31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question

34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.

36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations

• Start easy and work you way up to harder situations
• Mantra: I’m scared and I can do it anyway
• STAY present
• Have faith that your child can do it

The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem

Resources:

NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register

Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises

Video on three states of mind

Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas

Parents get exhausted because parenting is exhausting. Parents also can get exhausted because they are in essence tripping over their own feet. Have you ever thought that your worry thoughts are the thing that is contributing to your exhaustion? Whether it's your child or yourself, worry makes people uncomfortable. In this episode, we talk about teaching her child to handle discomfort through exposure work. And when parents practice what they preach, their children are so much more likely to learn those lessons.That’s a parenting gem. We also focus on how personal vulnerability plays into parenting, how to manage the frustration and how to find solutions through synthesis

Time Stamps

5:04 Learning to live with someone else is a spiritual practice - the frustration is a given and it teaches us to learn to tolerate differences

7:35 A Dialectic Dilemma - I want alone time vs I want to be with you all the time

• dialectic synthesis (makes a black and white design) vs a compromise (makes grey). See Handout below.
• Brainstorming your ideas for different syntheses promotes flexible thinking and multiple options

17:50 If we meet our child’s need when it's small, we may be able to keep it from escalating

20:30: Three strategies for dealing with Kids who want your attention

• I’m cooking (expect them to wait)
• Take a quick break and see what they want to show you
• Connect to your child before they ASK.

22:04 Take responsibility for your own “frustration or irritation” - Own it, Name it

22:47 Be who you are, Accept who you are AND also work on Change!

25:08 Radical acceptance the normal frustration

25:30 Tolerating Differences is something children can learn when parents are different

26:25 Talking about the idea of our children “pushing our buttons” clinically called vulnerabilities and a prompting event for emotional reactions

28:23 Beware of blaming and shaming your child if you think your reaction is their fault.

31:15 Children are trying to meet their needs: Parents can interpret that as manipulation or believing that the child is “powering over you”

32:20 Children who ask questions over and over again may need reassurance

33:36 Lean into the child’s problematic behavior with curiosity and send it back to the child. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her

36:00 The homework assignment of making a list of “I CAN HANDLE IT” - listing when she had a struggle and how she handled it

38:28 Advice for Parents: Try a little less hard. Trying too hard: making everything a lesson, trying to get it so right. General Surgeon said Parents are too stressed and its affedcting their mental health

Resources:

US General Surgeon’s Advisory Article on “Parents Under Pressure”

Embark Behavioral Health Article on All or Nothing Thinking: The Impact of a Black and White Mentality

Leslie's Handout on Images of Dialectic Synthesis

Leslie-ism: Remember you don’t have buttons that your child pushes, but you do have vulnerabilities. Take a look and recognize those vulnerabilities so your kids don't do it first

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram,

This is the third mini bonus episode that looks at rigid thinking which is quite common in both adults and children. It often leads to frustration and even conflict within yourself and in your relationships. In this episode, we explain problematic thinking patterns, identify lots of examples and how to catch and change your thinking to help you live more effectively to get what you want and deserve.

Time Stamps

1:40 Definition of Rigid thinking and its various names:

• All or nothing thinking
• Black and white thinking
• Dichotomous thinking

3:01 LImits of Dichotomous thinking - creates conflict because it

• Limits our ability to take another person’s perspective
• It often leads to the two categories of right and wrong

4:35 There is an impact of your words on both yourself and on others

5:04 These are cognitive skills - understanding and observing your thoughts

6:20 Label thoughts as “a thought is just a thought” — Planning thoughts, worry thoughts, judgmental thoughts

7:50 Society teaches us and reinforces all or nothing and dichotomous thinking

8:45 First step is to recognize your thoughts

• Look for problematic thinking patterns (formerly known as thinking errors)
  • All or nothing thinking
  • Catastrophizing or predicting negative outcomes
  • Mindreading
  • Overgeneralization
  • Mental filter
  • Disqualifying the positive
  • Emotional reasoning -
  • Should statements
  • Labeling
  • Personalization

12:28 Strategies:

1. Listen to yourself - observe your thoughts
2. Catch it
3. A thought is just a thought
4. Don’t believe everything you think
5. Imagery of passing clouds

13:13 Learn to think dialectically

• Ask what’s missing
• Adding other perspectives
• Use the phrase, “its a feeling, not a fact”
• Use the magic “AND” to make a dialectic statement
• Change your extreme words (ex - always —> often)
• See the negatives as well as the positive aspects of a situation

Resources:

Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns (formerly called thinking errors)

Leslie-ism: When it comes to your problematic thinking pattern - look for it, catch it, and change it

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom. In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s life

Time Stamps

4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue

6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong

6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below

9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution

11:58 The balance between respect and authority.

• Respect her through validation
• Setting the limit with your authority communicates that she is actually safe

13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxiety

• Feel the anxiety and do it anyway
• I am scared AND I can do it anyway. A dialectic statement. Repeat this over and over again as your child grows

17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working”

18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief, “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable”

21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growth

• Drawing pictures- graph sin curve
• Rating scale numbers that go up and down.

23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event

28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds” and the fears

30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle

31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go”

34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate.

• Identify social signaling or inaccurate expression
• Give her time to practice and learn these skills

35:35 Children who are born more sensitive: Look at 3 biological markers

• Emotional sensitivity (low—--------------------high)
• Emotional reactivity (low—--------------------high)
• Emotional recovery (quick—------------------slow)

36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinking

• Other interpretations
• Other possible outcomes
• Dialectic thinking: Use the magic “AND”

Resources:

• Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns and Examples

Leslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your language

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie