There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household. In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo. They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise. Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”. And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.

Time Stamps

7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry

12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia

19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present

20:17 Tension between parents:

• When parents feel unsupported
• When parents feel dismissed
• When parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy”

24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood

24:50 How to tolerate the differences

• 25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change

27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)

28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins

29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment

31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives

• Build up the strengths and the emotional connection
• 35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a room
• Play a simple game between you and your partner

35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship

38:45 Relationships are so hard.

40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing

• We pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up.
• Children help us grow as a human being
• We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships

44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”

45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you

47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future.

48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks

50:59 Turning the family structure upside down

52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.

Resources:

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids. But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiences

Time Stamps

2:12 Definition of conflict

3:58 Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECE

1. Stop the action
2. State the problem
3. Generate solutions
4. Pick a solution and move forward

4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution

1. Stop the action
2. State the problem
3. Use Empathy and perspective taking to get to the underlying concerns
4. Generate solutions
5. Pick a solution and move forward

Conflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing

5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps

6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time

7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started. It is not effective

Start with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this”

9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood

10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary

10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking

12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective

14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language

14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children -

18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process

20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change

22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution? When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict.

23:40 The infamous “Sink Story”

26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link)

27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it -

Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathy

Resources:

Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts

Other conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education Foundation

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children, 8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.

5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child

6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting

8:33 When you play games you follow the rules. You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children

12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing.

12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent

14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting

• Start with “looks like there is a problem here”
• Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy

22:05 To help with a conflict -

• Validate each child’s perspective.
• Show understanding
• “Tell me more”
• Listen to their perspective

26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years

28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence

31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of

• strictness vs leniency
• promoting independence vs fostering dependence

32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals

35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis

• Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”

38:20 Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.

40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course

Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show

Resources:

Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.