Race Rules

What Your Black Friend Won’t Tell You

By: Fatimah Gilliam

Narrated by: Machelle Williams

Race Rules is an innovative, practical manual for white people of the unwritten rules relating to race, explaining the unvarnished truth about racist and offensive white behaviors. It offers a unique lens from Fatimah Gilliam, a light-skinned Black woman, and is informed by the revealing things white people say when they don't realize she's Black.

Presented as a series of race rules, this book has each chapter tackling a specific topic many people of color wish white people understood. Combining history and explanations with practical advice, it goes beyond the theoretical by focusing on what's implementable.

Gilliam addresses issues such as racial blinders and misperceptions, white privilege, racial stereotypes, and everyday choices and behaviors that cause racial harm.

Introducing a straightforward universal three-step framework to unlearn racism and challenge misconceptions, this book offers listeners a chance to change behaviors and shift mindsets to better navigate cross-racial interactions and relationships. Through its race etiquette guidelines, it teaches white people to become action-oriented racism disruptors instead of silent, complicit supporters of white supremacy.

©2024 Fatimah Gilliam (P)2024 Ascent Audio

Good but incomplete

Let me start by introducing myself and why I bought this book. I hope that this introduction will provide a bit of context to my review. I am a sixty something white man married to a black woman. I was raised in rural middle America (Indiana) in the 60's and 70's. Race was not something that I was exposed to when I was young. I never even knew a black person or family until I was in high school and then there were only 2 black individuals in my high school. I bought this book, at my wife's suggestion, to better understand her experience. My wife is no “token” and I am offended when people insinuate that she is. I love my wife dearly and truly want to better understand her experiences and why she sometimes sees things differently than I do.

With that out of the way, I will get on with my review of the book itself. This book is an interesting and informative look into the thoughts and hearts of POCs. The book is an impressive collection of historical facts, quotes, and insights presented in a well thought out and organized manner. The author introduces the book as a manual/handbook for white people to use when trying to understand and navigate the racial terrain of our world. Unfortunately, I feel, if improved race relations is the goal, it misses that mark. The book does a really good job of explaining how POCs feel, where those feeling originate from, and why those feelings are justified. However, she makes no effort to explain why feelings and/or opinions held by whites are wrong…she just proclaims that we (whites) should not have those opinions or feelings. The fact is we do have feelings and opinions and no rational thinking person is going to give up or change those feelings, views, and opinions just because we are told to…we need to be shown how they are wrong.

With that review, here are a few notes I jotted down about my thoughts while listening to this book.

The author casts every negative outcome, suffered by POCs, as a result of racism and white supremacy. While certainly many are, many are not and some are even self-inflicted. Very few things, especially when dealing with human behaviors, come in absolutes. Despite her assertions to the contrary, when the author speaks in such absolute terms it comes across (to me) as hyperbole and rhetoric and elicits a fanatic vibe not a truth vibe. When you believe everything is, at its core, racist, you will see racism in everything…confirmation bias. Whether or not everything is indeed racist at its core, I believe the only way to end the cycle of racism is for all parties to work together. Both whites and POCs will need to compromise. Expecting one side to do all the compromising and changing is simply unrealistic and therefore unlikely to ever end racism. It is not fair, but, in the end, what do you want…do you want an utterly unattainable fairness or do you want to make real progress in race relations?

Since, in her view, every negative outcome suffered by POCs is due to racism, people of color are not (again in her view) accountable for any situation they may find themselves in, it seems that, for her, personal responsibility and accountability only applies to white people.

The author says that white people should not believe the stereotypes of blacks as thugs and hoodlums. However, she spends virtually no time dealing with, or explaining, why they should not believe those stereotypes. Part of the problem is that these stereotypes are popularized and glorified by Hip-Hop culture and Rap music largely presented by POCs. The reality is these stereotypes, like most, exist for a reason. There is, at least some, truth to them. Absent this truth, the stereotype would not endure.

The author comes across as speaking from a perspective of us versus them. This is, by its very definition, divisive and therefore counterproductive (if the goal is more equality and a more harmonious society).

Someone once said, “I am responsible for what I say and/or do but I am not responsible for how you take it and respond.” I do not know who said it but, in large part, I agree with it. I certainly strive not to offend with my words and deeds but I simply cannot know what is offensive to everyone. Yes, I can, should and do continue to learn how to be less hurtful and offensive to others; However, despite what the author says, intentions do matter. If someone does or says something with intent to offend or hurt then certainly the target is justified in responding with the anger and/or rage those actions produced. However, if there was ignorance of the offensive or hurtful nature of the act and no intent to harm or offend then the person being harmed or offended bears some responsibility, not for having the feelings but for how they respond…if they decide, of their own accord, to have an angry or rageful reaction, they should own that.

Not A Book for Beginners on This Topic

Some of the terminology, concepts and manner of presentation may be off putting to a white person with no previous experience or base knowledge.