Hello!

If we haven’t met before, my name is Maarit. I’m a former single mom turned stepmom, and the voice behind Blended Family Frappé, together with my husband Dan. Who will probably pop in on this podcast from time to time, as he likes to do.

If you know anything about our work, then you know we are ALL ABOUT the deep dive, the research, the in-depth support. And there are a ton of great blended family podcasts that offer exactly that. But I also know that so many times as a stepparent, I just wouldn’t have had the time, or the privacy, the energy, or quite frankly the emotional bandwidth for a deeper dive. And on those days, what would’ve helped me the most is just a quick pep talk. Just… a reminder that I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t the crazy one. That all this is temporary and everything’s gonna be okay.

So I decided to start a daily podcast for other stepparents who might be feeling the same way. If you’re familiar with our Instagram feed, basically this is the same flavor, but in podcast form. Pop in anytime you’ve got a few minutes and just need a little bit of reassurance. We’ll be here for you. xo

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

What we think makes us good stepparents and what actually makes us good stepparents are sometimes exact opposite things.

We come into this gig with our own ideas about what being a good stepparent "should" look like: active, involved, hands-on parenting. And then we go so overboard trying to prove that we're not evil or wicked that we end up over-engaging in a way that burns us out.

Then we're also faced with all the outside opinions from our partners, friends, family, or even the ex about how they think we "should" be acting for us to be considered good stepparents. And those opinions are often at odds with the reality of stepparenting too, or they're just not realistic for our actual lives.

Common example: we think we need to parent our stepkids to be good stepparents. Our stepkids typically don't like this, and our partners then accuse us of being too hard on their kids. Wait, how are we supposed to show we care if we're not parenting?? The answer: let go of that first preconception that we must parent in order to be good stepparents.

Look, this is a confusing gig, and there's no right answer that works for every stepfamily. Some stepkids are thrilled to have a new stepparent enter the picture. Some think their new stepparent is THE WOOOOORST. Most stepkids have mixed feelings.

What's the answer? BE YOURSELF.

Don't stress so much about whether the stepkids like you (they'll probably come around) or what outsiders think about your role (their opinion doesn't matter anyway).

Just be yourself, stop giving yourself empty, and create your own version of the stepparenting role that works best for you, your relationship, and your stepfamily... in that order.

Not sure how to get started? Here’s our free stepparenting survival guide. xo

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

Your partner’s ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens at your house. No matter how big and scary they come across, no matter how convinced they are that they’re in the right and you’re in the wrong.

If the custody order doesn’t give them a say in your day-to-day life, guess what: they do not get a say in your day-to-day life. Healthy co-parenting works like a business partnership: the co-parents are equal partners in the business of raising a kid together. Neither one gets to call all the shots.

Just like co-workers, co-parents coordinate together on goals and deadlines as needed, but the specifics of how each department is run should be left entirely up to its respective department head.

In other words: your house, your rules. Their house, their rules.⠀

Need more specific help managing a difficult relationship with a high-conflict ex? Start with our 10 Commandments of High Conflict Co-Parenting. xo

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

Your partner needs to serve as the connection between you and your stepkid. If they’re not acting as a bridge, then you can find yourself standing on the wrong side of the chasm.

You can't stand alone as a stepparent; it's not all on you to "just try harder" with your stepkid. The entire success or failure of your blended family does NOT land entirely on you!⠀⠀

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Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. You absolutely need your partner's help figuring out your place in this new family you're creating together. The role of the primary parent in a blended family has to be an active one, not a passive one.

If you're struggling to connect with your stepkids and your partner just doesn't get it, my husband Dan & I put together a guide to help with that: ➡️ How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples. xo

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

The experts say that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, but add some high conflict to the mix and that number jumps up to 10+ years.

I know that's a bleak statistic, but I'm actually sharing this info to give you hope in case you’ve been wondering why all of this feels soooo friggin hard — like every day is a brand new 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. You’re probably not imagining it.

So I wanted to let you know: it’s not just you. It’s the situation. When the ex is high conflict, the natural process of blending your family can feel like it gets set back over and over again with each new battle between households.

All of this can change when your partner has solid boundaries with the ex, which can help minimize the fallout. But even if your partner is not great at that (mine definitely wasn’t), you are not powerless in all this. Here’s a blog to help: ➡️ 4 WAYS STEPPARENTS CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH IN HIGH CONFLICT 👀

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

All unrealistic expectations to the contrary, the truth is… you probably aren't gonna love your stepkid out of the gate. Which is totally okay — they're probably not gonna be your biggest fans on Day 1 either, which is also totally okay. All that matters is your willingness to keep showing up and doing your best. And by that, I don't mean kill yourself trying, either. Give 'em space when they need space, and give yourself space too.

Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, which means you & your stepkid getting used to each other can (and probably will) take LITERALLY YEARS. Now, that might feel like a daunting number, but an optimist might say what it really means is that you’ve got plenty of time to figure out your relationship.

Expecting love at first sight with your stepkid is just as unlikely as expecting it from a romantic partner. So along the way, take lots of deep breaths, take plenty of breaks, and keep pacing yourself. You’ve got this. xo

For a deeper understanding of what the process of feeling comfortable in your role and how your relationship with your stepkid might continue evolving, this is a good place to start: ➡️ THE 7 STAGES OF BECOMING A STEPPARENT 👀

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

There's no set standard for blended families — stepfamilies are very different from each other due to hugely varying factors like visitation schedules, the kids’ ages, how many kids, whether both partners have kids, how the in-laws handle the new partner, how the ex factors in, etc.⠀

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Step 1 in blending a family is for you and your partner to work on relaxing your definitions about how you believe blended family life "should" look... including what a stepparent's role "should" be. We mistakenly base our goal for stepfamily life on traditional family dynamics, when those dynamics don't apply to most blended families.⠀⠀

What works for you might not work for the next parent/stepparent, and your blended family life might look nothing like the life of another blended family. And that’s okay! We’re all trailblazers here.⠀⠀⠀⠀

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Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other stepparents or parents or blended families... and especially don’t compare yourself to a traditional family.

Instead, try to embrace the chaotic awesomeness that's your life now and know that messy is normal in a stepfamily. And honestly, messy can be pretty fun once you learn to go with it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo