We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started. This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown. We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily. The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.

How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child. This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily. We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills.

Time Stamps

3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen

7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below)

8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below)

11:08 It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”. Be honest

13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation

• Trauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)
• 14:55 Definition of Trauma
• 21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)

19:50 Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child

20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle

20:30 Every step makes a difference

21:12 Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter

22:15 Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable

25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child

27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated. Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?”

28:44 The parenting dialectic: I am trying my best AND I still need to do more

30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic

31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation

34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm

32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior

40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition

41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples)

43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.

Leslie-ism: Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns

Resources:

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD

The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy. The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Trauma Treatment Resources:

• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PE
• Prolonged Exposure
• Cognitive Processing Therapy - CPT

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,

Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily. Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years. They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.

Time Stamps

4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting

7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity

8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg

8:48 #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening

8:54 #2 goal - give you skill and strategies

9:01 Assumption: She’s doing the best she can at the present time

9:58 Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING

16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger

16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on

It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking

18:40 Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings

19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room to help someone talk

21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk

• Give her space and time
• Invite her to share when she’s ready
• Validate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are there
• Use statements rather than questions
• Warning: don’t add the BUT
• Using rating scales

29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child

34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations

36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”

39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective

41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions

Resources:

Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia

Video of how to get someone to open up in a conversation

Metaphor of the Iceberg

Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.