Unconditional Parenting

Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

By: Alfie Kohn

Narrated by: Alfie Kohn

One basic need all children have, educator Alfie Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful and largely unknown research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people.

©2005 Alfie Kohn (P)2016 Tantor

1st half 5 stars | 2nd half is 3 stars

This book is tough to rate.
It’s very well thought out. The author backs up 90% of his claims with studies.
I ended the first half agreeing that unconditional love is better for kids and parents then negative or positive rewards.
Basically intrinsic motivation is better then extrinsic motivation.
The book gives plenty of examples of actions and why they are harmful. Some I can relate to.
Part II was spared to explain what to do. This is where the details where missing. Very light on the details of what parents should be doing. It
Is unfortunate. If the author would have taken his examples in part I and given examples of how to solve them with this method, that would have been great. There were some examples, they need more development.
It’s a great book that I would read again.
Know that you are on your own for developing solutions.
I hope the author does a v2 with more explanation.

This book changed my life and it will change yours

If you allow yourself to listen to this book without preconception it will change your life. Thankfully, I stumbled upon this book when my first son was still very young. It confirmed every single thing I kept feeling about how to parent him well. Things that flew in the face of public opinion.

To parent well we must really think about what we want our children to become and do our very best to use that as a compass to navigate the millions of hard moments. There’s a reflex in all of us that wants to respond out of fear and enforce obedience, but if we can’t teusy ourselves and the remarkable humans we are raising, a realizion comes. When we approach parenting from a place of knowing we are raising the most extroudinary humans in existence, that is who they will be come. When we realize just how amazing we are we won’t feel the need to make fear based parenting crackdowns. We will be OK with the unknown because of the larger known truth that we are confident in our love and self awareness of ourselves and those same things that we are imparting to our children.

I will forever be greatful for this life changing book.

This book changed my whole perspective on life!

I am so grateful for this book. It has changed me from the inside out. It is sophisticated yet effortless because it just makes sense. I want to print these ideas into my everyday life, i want to live and breathe them and hopefully it will make me a happier person as well as those around me, specially my closest family - husband and 4 kids-, but also my extended family.

Insightful, thought provoking

This is the first book I’ve read/listened to by this author and I would listen to another. In fact, I think I’d like the print edition too. This book is very interesting and thought provoking. It helps clarify things from the kids perspective which is sometimes missing in parenting books.

This is the first book I’ve listened to by this author ( he narrates his own book ) and I would listen to another. He narrates the info well and put emphasis in appropriate places- since it is his book - and can help get across ‘the point’. He speaks clearly and precisely.

There is not any swearing.

I was given this free review copy audiobook at my request and voluntarily left this unbiased review.
Please feel free to comment on whether you found my review helpful.

For someone in denial

For authoritarian parents who are stubborn set vs someone who already realizes it’s problematic to parent this way

The best book on parenting I've read

As a mental health professional, you'd think that I would already know much of the information in this book. but this book for me was groundbreaking. While I have had a considerable amount of training on behavioral strategies and a lot of information found in many popular parenting books, this approach to parenting is refreshing and at the same time makes so much sense - as a human being wanting, to take care of, teach, coach, guide, and relate to my kids in a respectful manner. I can't say enough good things about this book. Definitely worth a read.

Parenting help

This is a must read for all parents. It really changed they way I thing of how I am raising my son. I will be using a lot of this insight.

mindblowing

this book changed my mind about how to raise children. it changed my mind about how i SEE children. i loved that it was narrated by the author himself. the arguments he presents are very compelling and well explained. loved it. highly recommend.

world shattering

as a teenager, this book comforted me during and after fights with my parents. I wish they used these alternatives, and I will re-read this book as a bible when I have my own <3

Thoughtful and engaging

I really liked this book. Makes you think and hopefully makes you more patient with your child and perhaps even other people.