The Occasionally Accurate Annals of Football
The NFL's Greatest Players, Plays, Scandals, and Screw-Ups (Plus Stuff We Totally Made Up)
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Narrated by:
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Dan Patrick
About this listen
Celebrated sports commentator Dan Patrick and comedy writer Joel H. Cohen team up with some of America’s greatest* comedy writers to tell you everything and nothing about America’s sport!**
*“greatest” is actually just a bad type-o for “mediocre”
**No, not darts, we mean pro football. (book on professional darts coming never)
Did you know . . .
Tom Brady is a very good quarterback. (True, but only according to statistics and accomplishments.)
The formation of the NFL took place in an auto dealership. The founders started an institution and also were convinced to buy rust-proofing for it. (Half true.)
The Carolina Panthers originated as a book club but turned to football when they couldn’t agree on which John Grisham novel to read. (Maybe true. Research isn’t our thing.)
The Occasionally Accurate Annals of Football is a love letter to America’s favorite game, full of highlights, history, great plays and players, scandals, Super Bowls, and a series of lies, idiotic theories, baseless conspiracies, a diet that may kill you and, of course, a poorly-written haiku. The book takes the credibility Dan Patrick has built up over a stellar broadcast career (ESPN, NBC Sports, something called “Peacock”) and risks it all with these falsehoods, half-truths, and even some quarter-truths.
This parade of inanity is co-written by Joel H. Cohen (3 Emmys, several cavities due to poor flossing) and includes contributions from certifiably hilarious people, such as:
Andy Richter (Late Night with Conan O’Brien)
Brian Kelley (The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live)
Chuck Tatham (Modern Family, Arrested Development, How I Met Your Mother)
Mike Price (The Simpsons, F is for Family)
Donick Cary (Silicon Valley, New Girl)
Christine Nangle (Inside Amy Schumer, Saturday Night Live)
Broti Gupta (The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Simpsons)
Rob Cohen (Saturday Night Live, Big Bang Theory)
The Occasionally Accurate Annals of Football informs (a little), entertains (a lot), and is the perfect gift to taunt the Jets fans in your life.
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The Great Indoors
- By: Ginny Hogan
- Narrated by: Mae Whitman
- Length: 3 hrs and 53 mins
- Original Recording
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Alice's journey begins as all good journeys do: hitting on the sales guy at REI. After a tumultuous breakup, a quick career transition, family upheaval, and a sobriety journey that didn't fix her life quite as much as she expected it to, Alice decides that the only way to solve all her problems is to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. But as she begins preparing for the months-long quest, she realizes the answers she's seeking might not be on top of a snow-covered mountain. Especially since she just learned there was snow in California.
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Chuck full of laughs to lift anyone's spirits.
- By Laura Boogaert on 09-22-24
By: Ginny Hogan
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I Can't Make This Up
- Life Lessons
- By: Neil Strauss - contributor, Kevin Hart
- Narrated by: Kevin Hart
- Length: 11 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Superstar comedian and Hollywood box-office star Kevin Hart turns his immense talent to the written word by writing some words. Some of those words include: the, a, for, above, and even even. Put them together and you have the funniest, most heartfelt, and most inspirational memoir on survival, success, and the importance of believing in yourself since Old Yeller.
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Best Audiobook I Ever Listened To
- By Sam Clear on 07-13-17
By: Neil Strauss - contributor, and others
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The Perfect Find
- By: Tia Williams
- Narrated by: Wesleigh Siobhan
- Length: 11 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Jenna Jones, former It-girl fashion editor, is broke and desperate for a second chance. When she’s dumped by her longtime fiancé and fired from Darling magazine, she begs for a job from her old arch nemesis, Darcy Vale. The beyond-bitchy publisher of StyleZine.com, Darcy agrees to hire her rival - only because her fashion site needs a jolt from Jenna’s old school cred. But Jenna soon realizes she’s in over her head.
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A-FREAKING-MAZING!!!
- By Bernadette on 05-30-21
By: Tia Williams
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American Psycho
- By: Bret Easton Ellis
- Narrated by: Pablo Schreiber
- Length: 16 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Patrick Bateman moves among the young and trendy in 1980s Manhattan. Young, handsome, and well educated, Bateman earns his fortune on Wall Street by day while spending his nights in ways we cannot begin to fathom. Expressing his true self through torture and murder, Bateman prefigures an apocalyptic horror that no society could bear to confront.
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Fanntastic book but maybe not for everyone....
- By So Fain on 03-27-11
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CRAY
- By: Darrell Hammond, Elizabeth Stein
- Narrated by: Darrell Hammond
- Length: 1 hr and 10 mins
- Original Recording
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He is one of the longest-running cast members on Saturday Night Live, an American comedy genius renowned for his spot-on sendups of politicians and celebrities. But off-stage, Darrell Hammond’s life was anything but a joke. In CRAY, a special audio performance captured live onstage at Audible’s Minetta Lane Theatre, Hammond brings to life his acclaimed memoir, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked: Tales of Stand-Up, Saturday Night Live and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem.
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Thanks for sharing
- By Nickisnotgary on 09-06-24
By: Darrell Hammond, and others
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Breakfast of Champions
- By: Kurt Vonnegut
- Narrated by: John Malkovich
- Length: 6 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Breakfast of Champions (1973) provides frantic, scattershot satire and a collage of Vonnegut's obsessions. His recurring cast of characters and American landscape was perhaps the most controversial of his canon; it was felt by many at the time to be a disappointing successor to Slaughterhouse-Five, which had made Vonnegut's literary reputation.
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Kurt Was Right to Grade This a C
- By Dubi on 01-10-16
By: Kurt Vonnegut
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Heads Will Roll
- By: Kate McKinnon, Emily Lynne
- Narrated by: Kate McKinnon, Emily Lynne, Tim Gunn, and others
- Length: 4 hrs and 6 mins
- Original Recording
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Heads Will Roll is an Audible Original from Saturday Night Live star Kate McKinnon and her cocreator/costar (and real-life sister) Emily Lynne. Produced by Broadway Video, this is not an audiobook - it’s a 10-episode, star-studded audio comedy that features performances from Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn, Peter Dinklage, Queer Eye’s Fab Five, and so many more. Please note: This content is not for kids.
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More like this please
- By Anon893 on 05-03-19
By: Kate McKinnon, and others
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Napoleon's Hemorrhoids…And Other Small Events That Changed History
- By: Phil Mason
- Narrated by: LJ Ganser
- Length: 8 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Hilarious, fascinating, and a roller coaster of dizzying, historical what-ifs, Napoleon's Hemorrhoids is a potpourri for serious historians and casual history buffs. In one of Phil Mason's many revelations, you'll learn that Communist jets were two minutes away from opening fire on American planes during the Cuban missile crisis, when they had to turn back as they were running out of fuel. You'll discover that before the Battle of Waterloo, Napoleon's painful hemorrhoids prevented him from mounting his horse to survey the battlefield.
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They just throw the facts too fast
- By Concerned_llama on 12-11-20
By: Phil Mason
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Great overview on history. Not the best top 100 list.
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What listeners say about The Occasionally Accurate Annals of Football
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Amazon Customer
- 12-02-23
Best Narrator Ever
6’ 200 lbs. Ding. I’m probably biased since I have been a fan of DP since Sportscenter but this is Dan at his snarky best. Will definitely listen to again.
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1 person found this helpful
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- J C
- 09-07-23
DP crushes it
I’ve listened to a lot of sports books but this had to be the funniest. Maybe one of the funniest anything books I’ve ever read/heard. Love the stuff about my Lions
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- robyn
- 01-21-24
Dan Patrick
Dan Patrick is an absolute riot reading and laughing at his own jokes; absolutely recommend
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- Rob Montoya
- 04-13-24
Dan Patrick’s Voice - Iconic
I enjoy the Dan Patrick show. So, it’s no surprise that I like this book too. Dan is an interesting narrator and personality. He made the stories fun. Thanks for your passion Dan. I appreciate your work.
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- Leah
- 09-19-23
Bo in Alabama. 6’1, 180. Hilarious satire and factual at the same time!
Dan et al do it right with this book. Much of the book is filled with fun puns and various fantastical factoids but at there are also real football facts. Great read/listen for any football fan! Dan does a great job reading it and listening to this book was so much fun. Highly recommend for a lighthearted and funny read!
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- Eileen M Gleason
- 10-27-23
Great listen
Dan you should look into doing audible reads I’d definitely listen and Marvin you should too
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- maryannbrooks
- 10-24-23
Struggle
I'm not certain where some of these reviews found humor, but I did not. I listen to DP everyday, he lost me on this one. It's not so much a waste of money as it is time lost
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- Anonymous User
- 11-11-23
A little confusing
The story wasn’t great. Was very hard to keep track of everything. I love DP but this wasn’t the best thing he did.
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- DonnaF.
- 10-29-23
Fun & Somewhat Factual
This is a fun listen and a genre I hope more people write! Having fun with sports and telling stories is such a great use of the Audible format! Dan does a great job narrating this (with Marvin's help) that it is easy to listen too. Because it is stories, it is easy to re-listen to again and again.
If you like sports & can have fun with them then listen to this book!
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- Jacob
- 09-10-23
Great listen!!!
Funny and well written book with great narration. If your a sports or football fan, highly recommended!!!
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