The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
Brentford Trilogy, Book 5
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The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
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Narrated by:
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Robert Rankin
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By:
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Robert Rankin
About this listen
There is nothing more powerful than a bad idea whose time has come. And there can be few ideas less bad or more potentially apocalyptic than that hatched by genetic scientist Dr Stephen Malone. Using DNA strands extracted from the dried blood on the Turin Shroud, Dr Malone is cloning Jesus. And not just a single Jesus, he's going for a full half-dozen so that each of the world's major religions can have one. It's a really bad idea.
In Brentford they've had a really good idea. They're holding the Millennial Celebrations two years early to avoid the rush. It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something. And it promises to be the party of this, or any other, century. Unless, of course, something really bad was to happen...
Robert Rankin describes himself as a teller of tall tales. The Morning Star describes him as 'The Master of Silliness', and his publisher describes him as The Master of Far Fetched Fiction. He is the author of more than thirty novels, of which he has sold millions of copies, and he makes people laugh around the world. Robert loves going on tour, signing books for readers, and his appearances at signings and conventions are legendary, often including a stand-up routine, a song (accompanied by his 'air-ukulele'), and an always-entertaining question-and-answer session.
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Robert Rankin’s performance of his novel The Brentford Chainstore Massacre once again highlights his gift for comic characterizations and his mastery of British dialect.
This installment of the Brentford Trilogy again stars barstool schemers Jim Pooley and John Omally. And the plot once more is another collection of running gags themed around the end of the millennium: There’s a scientist who hopes to clone Jesus, a Vatican decree allowing Brentford to celebrate the new millennium early, and a man who sold his soul.
Rankin’s performance is highlighted by his raspy British accent and impeccable comic timing.
Critic reviews
"He becomes funnier the more you read him." ( Independent)
"Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life." ( Daily Express)
"One of the rare guys who can always make me laugh" (Terry Pratchett)
"To the top-selling ranks of humorists such as Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, let us welcome Mr Rankin" (Tom Hutchinson, The Times)
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-
Story4 out of 5 stars 119
Lionel Asbo, a terrifying yet weirdly loyal thug (self-named after England's notorious "Anti-Social Behaviour Order"), has always looked out for his ward and nephew, the orphaned Desmond Pepperdine. He provides him with fatherly career advice (always carry a knife, for example) and is determined they should share the joys of pit bulls (fed with lots of Tabasco sauce), Internet porn, and all manner of more serious criminality. Des, on the other hand, desires nothing more than books to read and a girl to love .
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4 out of 5 stars
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Jēz...us! Just don't buy it for your Grans.
- By Darwin8u on 01-03-13
By: Martin Amis
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Hobbes
- Unhuman Series, Books I-IV
- By: Wilkie Martin
- Narrated by: Tim Campbell
- Length: 40 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 188
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 157
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 156
Hobbes: Unhuman Series, Books I-IV. It contains: I - Inspector Hobbes and the Blood, II - Inspector Hobbes and the Curse, III - Inspector Hobbes and the Gold Diggers, and IV - Inspector Hobbes and the Bones.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Best Value on Audible
- By Tango on 07-10-20
By: Wilkie Martin
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Divorcing Jack
- By: Colin Bateman
- Narrated by: Adam Moore
- Length: 9 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 24
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 22
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Story4 out of 5 stars 22
Dan Starkey is a young journalist in Belfast, who shares with his wife, Patricia, a prodigious appetite for drinking and dancing. Then Dan meets a beautiful and apparently impoverished student. And then, terrifyingly, she is murdered. Is it because she was not exactly who she claimed to be? Is it the IRA? A Protestant extremist group? A jealous lover? Before long, Dan is a target himself.…
By: Colin Bateman
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Single & Single
- By: John le Carré
- Narrated by: Michael Jayston
- Length: 12 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 325
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 290
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 288
A lawyer from the London finance house of Single & Single is shot dead on a Turkish hillside by people with whom he thought he was in business. A children's magician is asked by his bank to explain the unsolicited arrival of more than five million pounds sterling in his young daughter's modest trust. A freighter bound for Liverpool is boarded by Russian coast guards in the Black Sea. The celebrated London merchant venturer "Tiger" Single disappears into thin air.
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4 out of 5 stars
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The spy who came back to the bank
- By Darwin8u on 03-12-14
By: John le Carré
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Standing by the Wall
- The Collected Slough House Novellas
- By: Mick Herron
- Narrated by: Gerard Doyle
- Length: 8 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 170
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 142
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 142
Espionage. Blackmail. Revenge. Cunning. Slapstick. State secrets dating back to the fall of the Berlin Wall. All this and more in a tight package of five novellas by Mick Herron, CWA Gold Dagger-winning author of Slow Horses.
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5 out of 5 stars
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More Please
- By Katy on 01-27-23
By: Mick Herron
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London Fields
- By: Martin Amis
- Narrated by: Steven Pacey
- Length: 21 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 204
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 172
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Story3.5 out of 5 stars 171
The murderee is Nicola Six, a "black hole" of sex and self-loathing who is intent on orchestrating her own extinction. The murderer may be Keith Talent, a violent lowlife whose only passions are pornography and darts; or the rich, honorable, and dimly romantic Guy Clinch. As Nicola leads her suitors towards the precipice, London--and, indeed, the whole world--seems to shamble after them in a corrosively funny novel of complexity and morality.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Big chewy novel, excellent narration
- By Sand on 08-21-14
By: Martin Amis
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Three Comrades
- By: Erich Maria Remarque, Arthur Wesley Wheen - translator
- Narrated by: Michael Braun
- Length: 16 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 68
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 60
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 59
The year is 1928. On the outskirts of a large German city, three young men are earning a thin and precarious living. Fully armed young storm troopers swagger in the streets. Restlessness, poverty, and violence are everywhere. For these three, friendship is the only refuge from the chaos around them. Then the youngest of them falls in love and brings into the group a young woman who will become a comrade as well, as they are all tested in ways they can have never imagined.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Love and friendship in a dying world.
- By Tarquin on 03-18-19
By: Erich Maria Remarque, and others
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The Bone Clocks
- By: David Mitchell
- Narrated by: Jessica Ball, Leon Williams, Colin Mace, and others
- Length: 24 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 4,088
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 3,659
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Story4 out of 5 stars 3,667
Following a scalding row with her mother, 15-year-old Holly Sykes slams the door on her old life. But Holly is no typical teenage runaway: A sensitive child once contacted by voices she knew only as "the radio people," Holly is a lightning rod for psychic phenomena. Now, as she wanders deeper into the English countryside, visions and coincidences reorder her reality until they assume the aura of a nightmare brought to life.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Not Short Listed, This Time
- By Mel on 09-23-14
By: David Mitchell
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Season of Darkness
- By: Maureen Jennings
- Narrated by: Tom Craig
- Length: 10 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 67
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 59
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 59
Following the disastrous retreat of the British army from Dunkirk in 1940, England is plunged into a state of fear. The threat of a German invasion is real, and many German Nationals are interned in camps across the country. One such camp is on the ancient moor land of Prees Heath, near the small town of Whitchurch in Shropshire, where Tom Tyler is the sole detective inspector. Young women from all walks of life have joined the Land Army, to help desperate farmers keep the country fed. Then one turns up dead.
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4 out of 5 stars
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much better than average historical detective
- By connie on 09-30-12
By: Maureen Jennings
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Some Kind of Fairy Tale
- A Novel
- By: Graham Joyce
- Narrated by: John Lee
- Length: 9 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 610
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 545
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Story3.5 out of 5 stars 544
Twenty years ago, 16-year-old Tara Martin disappeared from a small town in the heart of England. Now, her sudden return and the mind-bending tale of where she’s been will challenge our very perception of the truth. For 20 years after Tara Martin disappeared, her parents and her brother, Peter, lived in denial of the grim fact that she was gone for good. Then suddenly on Christmas Day, the doorbell rings at her parents’ home, and there, dishevelled and slightly peculiar looking, Tara stands. It’s a miracle, but alarm bells are ringing for Peter. Tara’s story just does not add up.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Extremely Well Done
- By Amanda on 07-11-12
By: Graham Joyce
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I Predict a Riot
- Murder, Extortion & Carrot Cake
- By: Colin Bateman
- Narrated by: Adam Moore
- Length: 21 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 72
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 28
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Story4 out of 5 stars 28
Walter has a rubbish job, so has Margaret. But when they meet through a dating agency, neither is who they seem. Margaret's married for a start, and Walter's encounter with her husband, Billy, leaves him black and blue. Billy's a dodgy accountant for politician and racketeer Pink Harrison, who is about to come unstuck.
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5 out of 5 stars
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PICK ME PLEASE PICK ME WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN
- By Louise on 10-19-08
By: Colin Bateman
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The Guards
- By: Ken Bruen
- Narrated by: Gerry O'Brien
- Length: 4 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 320
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 280
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Story4 out of 5 stars 280
Still stinging from his unceremonious ouster from the Garda Siochana, and staring at the world through the smoky bottom of his beer mug, Jack Taylor is stuck in Galway with nothing to look forward to. He is teetering on the brink of his life's sharpest edges, his memories of the past cutting deep into his soul and his prospects for the future non-existent.
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5 out of 5 stars
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This is literature, not just crime fiction
- By John on 08-09-13
By: Ken Bruen
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Angelmaker
- By: Nick Harkaway
- Narrated by: Daniel Weyman
- Length: 18 hrs and 11 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 1,514
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 1,352
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Story4 out of 5 stars 1,351
Joe Spork repairs clocks, a far cry from his late father, a flashy London gangster. But when Joe fixes one particularly unusual device, his life is suddenly upended. Joe's client, Edie Banister, is more than just a kindly old lady - she's a former superspy. And the device? It's a 1950s doomsday machine. And having triggered it, Joe now faces the wrath of both the government and a diabolical South Asian dictator, Edie's old arch-nemesis.
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5 out of 5 stars
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A cure for the modern cynic
- By Maine Colonial 🌲 on 08-28-12
By: Nick Harkaway
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Ordinary Thunderstorms
- A Novel
- By: William Boyd
- Narrated by: Gideon Emery
- Length: 12 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 235
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 150
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Story4 out of 5 stars 150
One May evening in London, Adam Kindred, a young climatologist in town for a job interview, is feeling good about the future as he sits down for a meal at a little Italian bistro. He strikes up a conversation with a solitary diner at the next table, who leaves soon afterward. With horrifying speed, this chance encounter leads to a series of malign accidents, through which Adam loses everything—home, family, friends, job, reputation, passport, credit cards, cell phone—never to get them back.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Amazing Story Teller
- By Dorothy on 09-07-14
By: William Boyd
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Fragile Things
- By: Neil Gaiman
- Narrated by: Neil Gaiman
- Length: 10 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 3,491
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 2,691
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 2,671
Marvelous creations, including a short story set in the world of The Matrix and others set in the worlds of gothic fiction and children's fiction, can be found in this extraordinary collection, which showcases Gaiman's storytelling brilliance as well as his entertaining (and dark) sense of humor.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Perhaps a different format?
- By Karen on 11-03-10
By: Neil Gaiman
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The Power of One
- By: Bryce Courtenay
- Narrated by: Humphrey Bower
- Length: 21 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 7,430
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 5,838
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 5,839
Born in a South Africa divided by racism and hatred, this one small boy will come to lead all the tribes of Africa. Through enduring friendships with Hymie and Gideon, Peekay gains the strength he needs to win out. And in a final conflict with his childhood enemy, the Judge, Peekay will fight to the death for justice.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Compelling story lifted higher by the narration
- By Bob on 05-14-09
By: Bryce Courtenay
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Steampunk! An Anthology of Fantastically Rich and Strange Stories
- By: Kelly Link - editor, Gavin J. Grant - editor
- Narrated by: Sarah Coomes, Nico Evers-Swindell, Shannon McManus, and others
- Length: 12 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 110
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 93
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Story4 out of 5 stars 94
Imagine an alternate universe where romance and technology reign. Where tinkerers and dreamers craft and recraft a world of automatons, ornate clockworks, calculating machines, and other marvels that. Where scientists and schoolgirls, fair folk and Romans, intergalactic bandits, and intrepid orphans - decked out in corsets, clockwerk suits, and tall black boots - solve dastardly crimes, escape from monstrous predicaments, consult oracles, and hover over volcanoes in steam-powered airships.
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4 out of 5 stars
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MMMM, Orca Bacon
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 09-14-13
By: Kelly Link - editor, and others