It's Not You

Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

By: Ramani Durvasula PhD

Narrated by: Ramani Durvasula PhD, Maria Shriver

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.

Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.

Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

©2024 Ramani Durvasula (P)2024 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast

“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.”–Maria Shriver

“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic

Radical acceptance! Compassionate approach!

Should be a must read for all trauma mental health industries. Beautiful and compassionate approach to survivors (not victims) of abuse. Helpful, hopeful, and vulnerable.

Powerful Support for victims of Toxic Abuse

Thoughtfully written, succinct yet detailed. If you have toxic people in your life, this is a must read. You will find insightful explanations and helpful strategies to cope and protect yourself from harm.

Best book in narcissism and narcissistic abuse

Dr. Ramini's work, including this book, courageously pushes narcissism and narcissistic abuse into modern psychology and mental health care. Finally, someone identifies, accurately describes, and walks through the experiences of those who have been struggling their entire lives because of these significantly harmful relationship dynamics. My hope is that her work and advocacy of these issues results in better education and practice for counselors, therapists, the legal system, employers, etc., so that those who are affected finally can heal and avoid finding themselves in the dynamics again. Great work, Dr. Ramini! You are making a difference in so many people's lives.

Soothing and refreshing

I’ve felt so misunderstood in my 12 year marriage. I’ve prayed fasted and did all the things but things only got worse. This time when I prayed I felt the Lord was telling me to get this book. I initially thought this couldn’t be God, wouldn’t He tell me to read my Bible more or pray? But wow after listening to it I know this is what I needed and I know God is not joining in with the voices of all my gaslighters. I now feel loved, seen and even more confident about leaving my abusive so called Christian marriage. And the way it’s read by Dr. Ramani herself makes it feel like a soothing therapy session.

author is great

This is a wonderful addition to authors already wonderfully established domain on this topic! I have consumed this education and verify that the content is valid by my comparable life experiences.

Cant say enough on how good this book is.

Very recommended for people who face antagonistic relationships and narcissistic people. 100% relevant from beginning to the end.

Well written and easy to digest.

Excellent resource for those struggling with Narcissistic people in their life. This book gives straightforward and practical tools to manage the Narc and heal yourself.

Read this book!

This book is amazing and should be read by anyone suspecting narcissistic abuse in their life. It brought up a lot of things I didn’t even realize were part of narcissistic abuse.

exact truth

I thought that I'd heard it all. but no, I learned something new about myself. not my"'person"

Brilliant, life changing!

It provides the answer I have been seeking all my life. Packed with informations that makes a lot of sense. I listen to it over and over....