It's Not You

Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

By: Ramani Durvasula PhD

Narrated by: Ramani Durvasula PhD

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.

Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.

Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

©2024 Ramani Durvasula (P)2024 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast

“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.”–Maria Shriver

“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic

I was finally able to understand what happened for me in my marriage with a covert narcissistic man.

I loved that it was written for the person being manipulated not about the manipulator.

Dr Ramani is paving the way!

Dr Ramani is the voice to what so many of us have endured for years, without understanding what we it was we were going thru. Kudos to her for having the guts to stand her ground within her own field. I particularly appreciated hearing that in order to heal, we don’t always have to “forgive” our abuser bc certain things are unforgivable. Keep up the great work Dr Ramani!

Excellent

The narrator did a GREAT job of speaking to you. It was like a personal therapy session. Finally..someone who explained things so I could finally get it..

How my life will be forever changed

This book helped me understand my relationship and provided me the tools to be happy again :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️

Look in the mirror

I feel that this book has a powerful message for all that are dealing with a narcissist.

Spot-on

A very thorough and accurate analysis of the devastating effects of narcissism, and a practical approach toward a hopeful future

Honest, Humble and Helpful!

Thank you for writing this book to help those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse. I love the quote “ the story of the hunt told by the lion”. 

Powerful yet peaceful

I plan on keeping this read in my back pocket. Her words and gentle tone truly drive home the healing process and empowered me to carry on with further healing and so much clarity. Thank you

In-depth helpful way to navigate life w or w/o Narcissists

This book provides such a fantastic understanding of what a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse, can expect in learning how to survive whether choosing to stay with a narcissist or to leave.

Beyond Grateful

I am deeply grateful for the work you have done on this topic. By naming the myriad emotions I experience from having multiple narcissistic individuals in my life, this book brings hope, courage, compassion, and understanding to my life. Thank you!