Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies

On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities

By: Chris Kluwe

Narrated by: Chris Kluwe

"Hi. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. Now put your goddamn phone down and pay attention to my book.

"What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.)

"Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING.

"Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: 'This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human.'

"Excessive brags about myself: 'An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom.'

"Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now!

"So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this 'collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories' (I have no idea why that's in quotes).

"Join the herd of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.

"(You know you want to.)"

©2013 Chris Kluwe (P)2013 Hachette Audio

Critic reviews

"The most interesting man in the N.F.L." ( The New York Times)

"In a league (and sports climate) which has become one, long, repetitive sound bite, a guy who will actually say something meaningful." ( BleacherReport.com)

"Chris Kluwe is a glimmering sparklepony of candor (and not afraid to dive fearlessly into the marriage equality debate)." ( Mother Jones)

Precious truth seeker

I am an old fart at 70. Found hope joy humor and candidness a kick in my old ass. I LOVE our future generations. You will save us from ourselves. Eeeha!

Not as good as I hoped but still pretty good!

Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

Yes, but conditionally and in print as opposed to the audiobook. I respect Kluwe as a person and agree with most of his arguments, but I feel they could have been presented better. In this book he comes across as a bit try-hard which isn't entirely unexpected for someone attempting to follow up an explosive original short work, ie. the epic letter that set this whole thing off.

Did the narration match the pace of the story?

It was reasonably paced. However, I find author-read stories to be hit or miss. Some authors are fantastic and others less-so. I'm afraid this is an example of the latter. I chalk it up to not having the narration experience of many other writers, understandable considering the guy's day-job. The narration felt stilted more often than not, with sentences sounding disconnected from the whole (which got more and more noticeable as it went on). I ended up having to play it at a faster speed just to make myself finish.

Did Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies inspire you to do anything?

All other complaints aside, this book was overall pretty good. It really does make you realize the importance of speaking up when you see injustice and standing your ground.

Deep thoughts from Chirs Kluwe

Any additional comments?

While I am a football fan, Chris Kluwe was not someone who was on my radar. Part of this is because he played for most of his professional life for the Minnesota Vikings, and I'm a Packers fan. Part of this is because he's a punter and, well, I don't think I could even tell you who the punter for the Packers is.

For me, I found out about Chris Kluwe when he wrote an open letter to Maryland political Emmett Burns, who had publicly condemned, and tried to stifle, Ravens player Brendan Ayanbadejo for speaking out in support of same-sex marriage. His letter, which was a masterpiece in the art of utilizing profanity to its maximum effectiveness, quickly went viral and Kluwe quickly became famous for something other than football.

And, folks, Kluwe has a lot to say. I'll come right out with this--if you are not comfortable with Progressivism, this book will make you very uncomfortable. However, if you are a Progressive, you will quickly realize that Kluwe may just be your spirit animal. He does not hold back in any way--there were many times while I was listening to this where I had to stop the elliptical or put down the weights and rewind to check if he actually said what I thought he said.

Also, if profanity is not your thing, this book is probably not for you. I'm reminded of an essay in Aasif Mandvi's book, No Land's Man, where he likens using profanity to chiles. It is far too easy to use too much and ruin everything you are going to say. However, a skilled chef can use just the right amount of chiles to create a masterpiece. Kluwe, shall we say, is 3-Michelin starred-chef.

There is no topic that Kluwe won't approach--he opens with the (in)famous same-sex letter (reading two versions--the original and the profanity-less one, which is no less cutting). He then talks about everything from the Pope to the Conservative political movement to cheap toilet paper. There were a few times where things were dated--this book is 3 years old, after all. Still, I found myself nodding in agreement (and probably looking like a wacko in the gym) at nearly every one of his essays.

I have 2 cautions about this book. First off, while I enjoyed it greatly in audio form, I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it as much had I read it. Kluwe's narration works with his personal essays, and I think that it adds what is needed to the text. While his essays are well-worth a read one by one, some may get Kluwe fatigue if they tried to read a whole book of them.

Secondly, if you are queasy about injuries, there is an essay towards the end where Kluwe describes in great detail the sensations of all the injuries he incurred while playing professional football. While it is a credit to his writing that he can describe these sensations so well that the reader or listener can almost feel it, it may also be too much for some to take. In that case, I recommend just skipping ahead past that essay.

Even though these essays are over 3 years old, they still make it clear that he voices like Chris Kluwe--people who will speak out and do so in a way that compels people to listen. I highly recommend this audiobook.

Great Listen, Great Book

If you could sum up Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies in three words, what would they be?

Funny Honest Liberal

What did you like best about this story?

His genuineness and honesty mixed with a dash of humor.

What does Chris Kluwe bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

The emphasis in his reading really adds to the funny nature of the book.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

Yes

Great activism, but rest lacks

his rights and economic activism is great, the rest and the semi scifi parts were not compelling. glad he wrote it nonetheless

Not to my liking.

I am a left leaning individual like Chris. I agree with nearly every one of his points of view. However, I find his style obnoxious and worse, he isn't funny. I Didn't laugh once. I found him to be that bad American stereotype. I was hoping to learn a thing or two here. There was nothing for me I'm afraid. If you like his style, then perhaps you will fare better than I.