Today’s episode is different. Dan Allender takes over the podcast to interview me about my new book titled, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Topics covered include: how to respond when we fail those we love, how the book launch re-enacts core dynamics in my life, how to listen to the story your body is telling you, as well as your sexual story and your collective story.

John Eldredge returns to the podcast to talk about his newest book titled, “Experience Jesus. Really.” Topics covered include: how to live as an ordinary mystic (someone who experiences the sweet presence of God on a regular basis), why you don’t need to understand something to experience it and benefit from it, the importance of turning toward Jesus with the parts of our hearts that are not doing well, and how the presence of Jesus heals even the fragmented and traumatized parts of us.

I am joined today by my friend Gail Stucker who is a trauma-informed story coach. Gail generously shares a story about herself as an 8th grader. Topics we cover: taking your story seriously when you don’t believe you have any “capital T” trauma, longing for the delight of your parents, blessing your desire for delight as a good thing even though the unmet longing is agonizing, blessing anger at those who have harmed us, listening to the sensations in our bodies, and honoring what our hatred is telling us.

You have a story and that story matters. Your story in your family of origin significantly affects the way you think, feel, and act in the world today. This is why Dan Allender says, “It is time to listen to your story.” What if healing begins by listening to your story? By reflecting on the experiences in your growing up years, you can better understand why your brain has been shaped in the way that it has. If you want to experience more of the healing power of understanding your own story, join Dan, Cathy, and myself in Atlanta, GA, on Saturday February 22, 2025, for the StoryWork Conference. The conference will be live streamed if you can’t make it to Atlanta. You can register by going to adamyoungcounseling.com. CEU’s are available for therapists.

I am joined today by Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Steve Call to talk about the complexities of marriage relationships. Dan and Steve recently co-authored a book titled, “The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight.” If you are committed to the growth of yourself and your spouse, marriage will be hard. Today, Dan and Steve talk about how the look and feel of our present marriages are tied to each partner’s past story. We also discuss stuckness, shame, neurons, and blessing/cursing.

I dive into a detailed explanation of avoidant and ambivalent attachment. I explain why and how a child develops each of these insecure attachment styles. I then outline how you are supposed to know in adulthood if you have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. Your attachment style (secure, avoidant, or ambivalent) profoundly affects how you experience relationships and how you express yourself in relationship. And your attachment style develops based on your relationship with your primary caregivers.

The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your present day to day life is deeply affected by the past story of the collective to which you belong. The story of America bears great glory and great sin, just like the story of Mexico, Poland, and Thailand. Every culture contains deep goodness and every culture contains deep sin. Part of the story of America includes destroying the original dwellers of this land, and then exploiting black laborers so that white people could build wealth. If you live in America, these aspects of our collective story have profound effects on present day to day life.

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not. In other words, when you were a child, you recorded tons of information about your environment without trying to. It just happened. Because that’s how the brain works. Second, when you recall something that is stored in implicit memory, you do not have the sensation of recall. You don’t have that sense in your body of “I’m thinking back in time and remembering something.” When we leave home and set out into the world, we carry within us a storehouse of implicit memories. And those implicit memories tell us what to expect around every bend.