I hate this.

I do not want to do this.

What a waste of time.

All of these thoughts race through my mind.

Meanwhile, the clock on my coding interview test ticks away.

I am halfway through the second of four problems.

May as well give up now.

Wow, there was so much resistance. This was my first experience with such a strong desire to give up in a long time.

I closed my eyes and focused on my breath.

Just take a moment, I reminded myself.

A few breaths later I opened my eyes.

The same problem was still staring back at me.

A maximum high score of 50% looms in my mind due to the remaining time on the test. I knew I could not finish the final two problems.

I can still give it my best.

I delete my previous code, restate the problem to myself, and dive back in.

The following day, a rejection notice from the company whose test had given me such a hard time arrived.

When I saw the email I remembered the internal battle I faced. I felt grateful I could open myself up and give it my all.

If I had caught my mind in its thrashings earlier in the coding test, I likely would have progressed even further.

Does this mean the company would have moved me to the next stage of the interview process?

Not at all, but that is beside the point.

Whether or not the company green-lights me or not is an external event, and never under my control.

What I do have power over is:

* How I deploy my attention in difficult tasks

* How I engage with my emotions as they swell up in a fit of resistance to a scenario I hate

The irony is I created a scenario where I could take the test.

I seek out the opportunity to be thrown into that scenario. This is a part of hunting for a software engineering role, where timed tests are one step of the process for some companies.

Still, during the test, I forgot I wanted to be there. I worked hard to have the chance to take the test.

In a job hunt, this type of resistance is one I enjoy working through. Another challenge is when imposter syndrome strikes.

When I apply for a job, I seek a first date with a stranger. With the intention of getting into a long-term relationship, with their entire family.

Doing this tens or hundreds of times, there are many chances to chain my emotional state to the outcome of any given date. Either by riding the high of progressing through multiple rounds of interviews, or by drowning in the low of rejection from roles that appeared to be low-hanging fruit.

Then there are the glimpses of joy and surprise, when an interview offer comes through when I do not even have any memory of the company nor my application to them.

These moments are the outcome of the process, which for me includes spending hours each week curating, applying, and nurturing job prospects. My dedication to this process points to the inevitable success of landing a role, although it is not guaranteed, nor will it happen on the timeline that I necessarily think.

Each time I face an emotional state of resignation, my willingness is put to the test.

How badly do I want a role?

Am I dedicated to bringing this vision to life?

Or am I ready to resign at the first sign of difficulty?

By recentering myself amidst a swirl of turbulent emotions, I further my capacity to bring my vision to life. Both in that moment, and in future moments.

The more I show up to do the thing I deeply resist doing, the more my willpower grows.

If I loved doing it, then there would be no expansion of my willpower. In this way, my suffering was a gift.

I did not suppress how I felt about the situation, but I did stop fixating on my feelings.

This gave me freedom. To fully feel. To engage with the problem at hand, rather than losing myself in an internal dialogue about the future consequences of my difficulties with the test.

My ability to focus on my inhalations and exhalations for a few moments and become calm is a tool anyone can develop.

The next time you realize you are drowning in the feeling of not wanting to do something, remember that your breath is always there for you to return to.

For many years I labeled myself as not being creative.

Then I observed I was defining creativity in the wrong way, and looking to the external world to determine what creativity meant for me.

By listening to the quiet voice inside amidst all of the noise and chatter, so much creativity began to flow.

This same unlimited creative potential is within you too, you only need to settle down into yourself.

Inside, there is a vast space. From here, there is infinite power you can work with.

You may have forgotten you have this.

When the ego comes in, bringing questions such as:

What do you mean I have unlimited creative potential?

How could I possibly have access to such creativity?

The ego points to all these problems in life.

These temporary prisons and obstacles are constructed within the infinite inner space you have inside. Where do you think the ego draws its power from?

Rather than feed into the maintenance of these prison walls, which keeps you small and stuck, the attention can be directed to the space in which those walls are constructed.

Over time, the feeling of I am trapped will begin to fade. It is a matter of enough attention, over a period of time, with your full willpower behind the attention.

Warrior Heart by Evan Harris is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

There are varying grades of willpower. Depending on how badly you want something, you will be more or less willing to put in the effort to bring it to life.

Meditation is one tool to access this inner space. Singing, cooking, cleaning, or creating are other paths that offer doors into the same space.

These tools enable you to remember that you are not the prison, nor are you contained within it. The walls are not real.

The tools to come back to this truth are many. Pick one you like, to help you return to your inner power. When you do so, limitless creative potential becomes available.

Creativity is not a trait limited to a select few. You have it. Everyone you know has it. We only create the self-limiting stories about how we are not creative.

The more opportunities you create in your daily life to come into this inner space, the more free you will feel to create. The longer you go without establishing conscious contact with this space, the more oppressive and constraining the obstacles perceived by the ego will appear to be.

Your relationship with this space can be one of a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle. The more often and the greater the depth of connection you establish with your inner space the more familiar with it you become. Over time, it is easier to open up a connection, and you can maintain the state of creative openness for longer.

On the flip side, the less contact you have with this space, the more resistance the ego can put up in front of you. There is little middle ground here. Your capacity to connect is either in a state of decay or of growth.

The practice you use to open yourself up to this space can evolve over time. Sometimes one method will serve you best - a walking meditation on a day of feeling restless. In moments of deep joy, singing and dancing will be more fitting.

Listen to your body. It knows what you need.

You may find certain times of day are especially easy to be calm and settle down into your inner space. While at other times of the day, the ego is in an agitated state.

When beginning to intentionally connect with your inner space, take time after to reflect.

* What went well?

* What was difficult?

* What was enjoyable?

Over time, your reflections will reveal patterns you can work with. Some of which, once you recognize them, you will be able to let go of.

Developing the practice to connect with your inner space, via meditation, creative expression, or other means can be a challenging and lonely endeavor at first. It can help to find and establish a community of practitioners to share your journey. They will be a great boon to you, and you to them. The collective is always stronger than the individual.

Each moment the attention looks to the outer world - for safety, security, comfort, love, affection, stability, peace - we lose an opportunity to rely upon our own essence.

All of these things are within us.

Breathe deeply.

Look inside.

Connect with yourself.

There is no difference between this leap of uncertainty and all the previous leaps into the unknown you have made.

With feet on firm ground and no true idea of what comes next, you jump.

Anxiety.

Panic Attacks.

Waves of paranoid thinking.

Fear obliterating my ability to think clearly.

My heart is beating out of my chest.

All happiness feels far away.

My palms begin to sweat.

Instead, the breath allows me to approach the parts of myself that are the most hurt, and need the most care with an open heart.

When there is no trust, fear is present.

While fear dominates, love can feel out of reach.

By connecting to the breath and communicating with the body to nudge one's posture towards an upright, loose, and gentle seated position, all of the negative emotions trapped within the body can flow.

When we curl up due to sadness, it is like leaning over to catch our breath after a hard run.

While it may feel good and natural to place the hands on the knees and bend at the hips as you gasp for breath after a particularly hard run, this hurts the ability to breath.

Standing up straight may not feel as good, but the oxygen which the body needs will be able to enter more easily and the carbon dioxide can be expelled more easily.

The natural and comfortable approach to handle challenges is often not what is best for us.

Trust your intuition.

Listen to your body.

Follow your breath.

See you on the other side of this retreat.

Namaste,

Evan

To Face Myself In Ceremony

Two weeks from today I will be in the jungle.

For three days straight.

Why?

To sit in

* a tobacco purge

* a nighttime Ayahuasca ceremony

* a daytime Ayahuasca ceremony

I am nervous.

I am excited.

I am grateful.

May all beings have the opportunity to face themselves and grow.

Namaste

Evan

My friends and I sat outside at a cafe while we waited for our food.

A woman walked up to us.

She was somewhere in her seventies and walked with a rollator.

She began to share her story, saying that the police abused her at the bus stop the previous day

We walked back over towards the table with my friends, stopping in the exact spot six feet from them where she had stood before.

We hugged goodbye and she walked back in the direction she came from.

I sat back down with my friends.

"What happened?" They asked.

"Anger is terrible. She needed someone to listen to her. To hear her suffering. To give her space." I responded.

This is the gift we can give others.

To listen with an open heart and hold space.

I want to melt into a puddle.

No interest in doing anything.

No aspirations for the future.

No joy in the present.

It is funny how heavy the world can feel at times.

The more you feel gratitude, the greater your capacity for awe.

Awe is an uplifting state of being you can create space to let into your life with a little intention.

You do not need to make it to some breathtaking overlook after climbing a mountain.

It is right there alongside you in everyday experience.

Use gratitude to break out of the fantasy world.

To let the blissful state of awe visit you.

Every time you open to receive it.

The way we self-identity in conversatThe people, situations, and patterns you identify as restricting you from future growth do not have malintent.

Often where you feel the greatest internal resistance towards taking an action and making a change is where your true growth opportunity lies.

Trust in yourself.

Be courageous.

Pull off the old masks that no longer serve you.

To see a clear vision of your future self.

P.S. I published my first E-Book yesterday. Read it here.