Red flags in sports are thrown when a player behaves badly. Red flags in dating are known as indicators of someone who is bad for you. How do you know when a red flag arises? On a date, you know you’ve encountered a red flag if you have any of these somatic markers: your stomach turns, you freeze up, or you feel uncomfortable yet pressured to play it cool.

The following may be red flags that indicate your date is avoidant of attachment:

• ​You reveal something about yourself, and they ignore it
• ​You can’t tell if they like you
• ​You have to work to keep them interested
• ​Their recent dating experiences are focused on uncommitted, casual sex

If you’re looking for a committed relationship and you encounter these things — and along with them you feel ill-at-ease — then these are red flags that this person won’t be available for a relationship.

However, red flags in dating are not some long list of no-no’s that you keep in your head. Conscious dating is about getting OUT of your head! Besides, people can have all sorts of lists in their heads for things they SHOULD do that they don’t listen to. Red flags are often ignored because they come in a sexy package.

The only way to see red flags and get yourself to turn the other way when you see them is to listen to yourself. Note how you feel with your best friend, or how you felt when you met someone who later became a good friend. Go for that feeling of ease! That’s the best way to avoid the feeling of, “Dang, I should have heeded those red flags.”

Still: We all miss red flags. And we all see red flags but choose to ignore them. Beating yourself up is never helpful. Give yourself a break, and just try to cultivate safety next time. The goal is to keep feeling good, or at least neutral — as opposed to an up-up and down-down-crash roller coaster!