In this episode, number 247, Mark & Steve discuss a situation and questions submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. She does a great job presenting a balanced description of their situation, while also being very direct, vulnerable and authentic. Her addict partner has struggled with porn addiction nearly his whole life and when all the "trickle truths" started coming out, it nearly finished off their marriage. But, they both got into therapy and did a lot of hard work individually and as a couple for over a year. She describes their marriage as "feeling a lot safer and stronger."

At the same time, there are still some significant struggles. Here's how she describes it—

The issue that continues to arise for me, is that my husband seems to “need” sex every 4 days, or he will feel that he is too distracted by women and his sexual desires which impacts his recovery. This also impacts my ability to feel that I am in full control of my own body as well as feeling wanted and chosen, as opposed to just being the object of a selfish need. I understand that men are biologically more inclined to feel sexual desire more often, but is he limiting himself in his healing journey by assuming that this need is normal and biological (his words). He does have some sort of goal to increase the amount of days by using self discipline, but it seems that he believes it’s a biological need for men and specifically for himself because he feels too much physical and mental discomfort when he pushes it off. He has not masturbated in around 8-10 months (other than 1-2 slips, and a recent relapse) but we have created a plan where he has the option of masturbating after 7 days of no sex if he feels he “needs” it. My question is—does this sound like something that is limiting the recovery process or is each person an individual case and this plan can be something that is helpful for him and helpful for me to feel full control of my own body, while he does his own recovery work?

Mark & Steve directly address this couple's situation and this betrayed partner's questions. They discuss the critical importance of the addict taking charge of the healthy wiring and management of his brain's "pleasure/reward system" and how this impacts his recovery. They address the "need" for sex vs. a healthy balance in a WHOLE relationship. They speak raw and real about "his side of the street" and what he is response-able and account-able for in this situation.

They also speak directly to what this betrayed partner needs for her own "body sovereignty" and for a path of true healing. In addition, they speak to what is needed to make consistent deposits to the relationship trust account and what true "holistic intimacy" looks like vs. a narrow focus on physical sex. Also discussed are healthy sexual boundaries and what it means for an addict in recovery to evolve, mature and transform.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 246, we explore the concept of interdependence in the context of recovery from betrayal trauma and porn addiction. Interdependence, often mentioned but not always fully understood, is a critical aspect of healing and moving forward in a relationship after the discovery of a partner’s addiction. Many betrayed spouses struggle with defining what interdependence looks and feels like, particularly as they navigate the complexities of their partner's ongoing recovery and behavior. Today, we’ll dive into what interdependence truly means and how it manifests in real-world scenarios, especially for those who have been deeply impacted by their spouse’s actions.

Our discussion centers around the journey of a betrayed spouse who has been married for over two decades and is actively working on her own recovery after discovering her husband’s sexual addiction. She shares her experience of wrestling with the pain of watching her husband’s behavior, such as scanning or getting captivated by other women, and how it feels intensely personal, even though she intellectually knows it’s not about her. This inner conflict highlights the struggle many face in separating their spouse’s actions from their self-worth, and how exhausting it can be to maintain a healthy mindset amidst these triggers.

We’ll also examine how interdependence can evolve over time, contrasting the early stages of recovery with later phases where individuals may experience greater emotional resilience and independence. The question is raised about whether, over time, triggers like a partner’s inappropriate behavior still impact those who are further along in their recovery. This conversation is not just about reframing mindsets but also about understanding how personal growth and healing can empower individuals, regardless of the outcome of their marriage. Join us as we unpack these challenging dynamics and provide insight into what interdependence can look like in healthy, recovering relationships.

• What IS “interdependence”/COLLABORATION? What does it “look like”?
• What does “independence/the Authentic Self” in recovery and healing look like for both partners?
  • For the recovering porn addict—
  • For the partner healing from betrayal trauma—
• What kinds of things can disrupt one’s independent recovery and healing paths?
  • For the recovering porn addict—
  • For the healing partner—
• How do “independent/authentic” partners progressively move into a place of “interdependence”?
  • Each must have a clear understanding of what it means to “own my side of the street”—to step into my voice, my truth, my sovereignty and my EMPOWERMENT and be WORKING IT!
  • Be VERY mindful of the EARLY signs you are leaving the realm of sovereign independence and entering back into sacrificing one’s Authentic Self and boundaries around that self.
• What are the PROGRESSIVE steps to traveling the path of interdependence and coupleship collaboration?
  • First and foremost it’s all about “What you bring with you” to the coupleship interaction! Self-care; outside support system; shame resilience work . . .
  • MUST agree to interrupt long-standing, emotionally intense/reactive relationships patterns! Establish CLEAR communication boundaries and TAKE A BREAK every time one or both go outside those boundaries (do NOT weaponize this!)
  • Don’t allow “reactive situations” to always be where you try to “work on healthy communication/collaboration.” Intentionally plan and practice hard topics—Journaling & Higher Power; Outside Support Systems; Couples Daily Check-ins: weekly Partnership meetings.
  • This is a process NOT a destination–be patient; give grace; don’t give up.

Visit www.daretoconnectnow.com

In Episode 245, Mark & Steve respond to an all–too–common, legitimate struggle faced by the betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts. Here's a submission from a partner—

My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman. She is highly attractive, and the only female in the male dominated company they work in. He has admitted a few times that “_______” is beautiful, smart and is going to go far in the company. While I have never been concerned he’s going to cheat on me, with her or anyone else, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them working so close together. I’m scared that he is fantasizing about her, masturbating to her and lying to me about it. Like he has lied to me about everything else so far. I asked him bluntly and he laughed at me and told me that “he only has eyes for me—obviously, we’re married!” He has some pretty obvious “tells” when he is lying and I’m almost certain he is in this case. How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?

• A History of Lying and Betrayal trauma trigger MANY symptoms for a partner that are understandable, legitimate and CRAZY HARD!
  • “Like he has lied to me about everything else so far”
    • Hypervigilance, seeking for guarantees, feelings of competition/comparison, doubting her intuition/gut, exhausted by his gaslighting, etc
  • She has every right to be skeptical, guarded and suspicious.
  • “How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?”
    • You shouldn’t.
• These concerns need to be TRANSPARENTLY EXPLORED, THOUGHT OUT, and SHARED with him.
  • In whatever way/medium is safe for her.
  • He needs to access resources and/or skills (as needed) to be able to HEAR, PROCESS, CONNECT WITH, and VALIDATE her concerns in a vulnerable way.
    • Connecting with/utilizing a support group, therapist, sponsor, daily renewal partner, journaling, etc
    • This happens ideally not just in the moment (trigger management), but also is cultivated in advance (self-care routines)
• Situations like this point towards the “bigger issues” within the relationship
  • Lack of trust
  • Lack of safety
  • (potentially) lack of dialogue
  • Lack of collaboration
• For the partner, FINDING YOUR AUTHENTIC VOICE is something to grow in terms of skillset and practice:
  • Discovering the authentic self
  • Setting boundaries
  • Setting and holding consequences to preserve safety and authenticity
  • How can you “know” what he’s doing or not doing?
• How to begin addressing this as a coupleship—
  • Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
  • Practice via daily check-in’s
  • Couples therapy
  • Programs like D2C

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services