Chapter 11: Rethinking Your Parents’ Story

To be sure, our parents are responsible for how they wounded us, whether they knew it or not. Maybe they were good people who made serious mistakes, or maybe they were uncaring, toxic, or even evil. Nothing can minimize, justify, excuse, or change that. What happened to you or your loved one happened.

But what happened to them? It’s a worthy question.

So far, we’ve spent a lot of time on what happened to you. Join Pat Morley as we now take some time to reflect on what happened to our parents. Unraveling what happened to your parents can illuminate what happened to you. It’s going to be a great day!

If your parents wounded you, they are responsible for that, whether they knew what they were doing or not. But without forgiveness, the future will look no different than the past.

Forgiving your parents is not dismissing what they did, or pretending that your wounds never happened. After all, there would be no need for forgiveness unless someone had done something wrong. So what does this forgiveness look like?

Join Pat Morley and explore the uniqueness of biblical forgiveness. Maybe your parents are living; maybe they aren't. Maybe you have a good or civil relationship with them; maybe you don't. No matter your circumstances, let Pat guide you through the method Jesus prescribes for forgiving. It’s going to be a great day!

Reflection and Discussion

1. How have you softened toward your parents, and why?
2. What might your life be like in 10 years if you don’t forgive your parents?
3. What makes biblical forgiveness unique?
4. Did you pray and unilaterally forgive your parents? How does that make you feel? If not, what’s holding you back?

Did you know that all successful recovery programs address spiritual needs? There's a reason for that: A relationship with Jesus can give us the rest for our souls that no amount of human effort will ever be able to provide.

If you're on your way to being mended, you have faced the truth of what you experienced. You are no longer in denial, and you have grieved what was taken from you. Grieving was like exhaling the pain. Now you get to decide what you will inhale to take pain's place.

Whether this is your story, or you want to get a better idea of how you can help others, join Pat Morley for an eye-opening discussion about how to find real rest.

Reflection and Discussion

1. In general, is your soul at rest or restless? Explain your answer.
2. How have you understood Christian faith—as a task and commitment to a set of values or as a relationship with Jesus? Explain your answer.
3. Did you pray to affirm or reaffirm your faith? If yes, is your soul at rest? Explain your answer. If not, who can you talk to about your reservations?

Something was taken from you, your loved one, or friend. You didn't have the childhood you wanted, deserved, and should have experienced. You have been afflicted. You feel the loss deeply. Now that you've faced this truth, you need to grieve what went wrong.

In this practical lesson, Pat Morley will help you understand grief, the stages of grieving, how to grieve, and what to expect. It's going to be a liberating day!

Reflection and Discussion

1. What stage of healing are you in: denial, grief, forgiveness, making amends, renewal, setting boundaries, or transformation? Explain.

2. The goal of grieving is to let it out. How can each of the following ideas help you let it out?

A. Pour out your heart to God.

B. Talk to someone you trust.

C. Write your own prayer.

3. How released from your grief do you feel right now? How would you explain it to a friend?

Denial can be tenacious. Facing difficult, painful, or humiliating facts from your or your loved one’s childhood can be hard. Most worthwhile things are. I commend your bravery to tackle the truth. But it can also to be so liberating and soothing that you’re going to feel like you’re seeing things as they really are—perhaps for the first time ever.

Join Pat Morley for a deeper understanding of denial and leave with a positive plan that will help you or your loved one face the truth, get out of denial, and take a big first step toward healing and breaking the cycle.

Reflection and Discussion

1. To what extent has “emotional amnesia” kept you from facing the truth about your childhood wounds? Give an example of a truth you kept buried and how it has affected your life.

2. Did writing “the truth I need to face” help you describe, acknowledge, and face the truth about what happened to you? What is your biggest takeaway?

3. Write down the positive, overarching goal you want to make about overcoming denial and facing the truth:

What’s it going to take for you, your loved one, or a friend to start healing from childhood wounds? Healing is all about pain—acknowledging it’s there, identifying where it’s coming from, and then knowing how to face it, grieve, accept it, take control, and heal.

Join Pat Morley for an overview of the stages of healing. God’s promise is that no matter how deeply you or your loved one have been wounded, you don’t have to stay that way.

Reflection and Discussion

1. How would you describe the emotions you’re feeling about authentically engaging with the stages of healing just described? For example, you could be any, or all, of the following: excited, hopeful, encouraged, positive, apprehensive, unsure, skeptical, fearful, anxious.

2. “You are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are the only one who can do anything about it now.” Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? If yes, what are the implications for you personally?

3. If applicable, which of the healing stages described in this chapter have you already processed? Which stage do you want to tackle next, and why?

Do you regularly find yourself feeling insecure and looking for reassurance? Do you experience big mood swings, but don’t know why? Are you especially responsible or immature for your age? Do you have a negative experience, word, thought, or voice in your head from your childhood that stills torments you? Are you estranged from any family members physically or emotionally?

Join Pat Morley for Part 2 of how the 9 major characteristics of men with childhood wounds are affecting you or your loved ones.

Reflection and Discussion

1. What is a self-doubt that makes you feel insecure?

2. Have you recently experienced a big mood swing? What were the circumstances?

3. Have you assumed the role of the responsible son or of a man especially immature for his age? Why do you think the role you identified describes you?

4. Is there a negative experience, word, thought, or voice in your head from your childhood that still torments?

5. From which of your parents and siblings are you alienated because of what happened in your childhood?

The following questions might apply to you or a loved one:

Do you struggle to believe that people really care about you?

Do others accuse you of being oversensitive or taking things too personally?

Is there something that routinely triggers your anger?

Is there a particular area of your life where you struggle to understand what normal, healthy male behavior looks like?

Join me, Pat Morley, and learn how 9 major characteristics of men with childhood wounds are affecting you or your loved ones. It’s going to be a great day!

Reflection and Discussion

1. To what extent do you struggle to believe that people really care about you? Give an

example.

2. Do others accuse you of being oversensitive or taking things too personally? Give an

example.

3. Is there something that routinely triggers your anger? How are you able to control it?

4. Is there a particular area of your life where you struggle to understand what normal,

healthy male behavior looks like? If there is, who is someone you could ask to take you

under his wing in that area and show you the ropes?