Script🎅 Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be Santa ClauseBegins the jolly fat man.🖊️ Wait, you wanted to be Santa Claus?🎅 Well, yeah! I'd get to work one day a year and everyone would love me. It don't get no better than that!🖊️ OK, then, so how did you make your dream come true?The reporter was a bit surprised at this immediate dive into the deep end of Mullet Santa lore.🎅 Believe it or not, it started in this very food court not long ago...🖊️ Here, in this food court, in this mall near an Army base in Tennessee? I guess that explains the mullet...🎅 Well, the mullet is the result of a 1am epiphashower...🖊️ Epiphashower? Oh, I get it, you got an epiphany in the shower. That's actually clever. So, tell me about this epiphashower.🎅 As I stood under the warm water, contemplating the crumbling world around us all, I started thinking that I needed a haircut.🖊️ The imminent collapse of human society reminded you to get a haircut?🎅 Yup, and at the same time, my mind wandered to an interaction that kept repeating itself as I sat in this chair, several weeks in a row. Before becoming Mullet Santa, I was a grizzled old software engineer. I got paid every Thursday about noon. When my checking account went back above zero I knew it was time for my favorite lunch in the world: Hibachi Chicken and Shrimp at the mall food court. So, one day I'm eating my lunch and suddenly I hear this guy says, 'You should be a Santa.'🖊️ You became Mullet Santa because some random stranger said you should be a Santa?🎅 Well, not at first. The guy was obviously crazy, or so I thought at the time. I later found out he's an elf.🖊️ Uh, huh. Like Will Ferrel?🎅 More like a young Bob Newhart. Anyways, for weeks after that every time I went there for lunch he would be there staring at me while pretending to empty the trash.🖊️ Hold on, I'm writing this down.🎅 Oh, you can't make this stuff up!🖊️ No, you really can't.🎅 Well, now it's been a couple of months since I had been to Sport Clips for a MVP, and I was really needing a haircut and beard trim. While contemplating the meaning of my life, I realized the last time my hair was this long was in High School when I had a righteous mullet.🖊️ I'm not sure a mullet has ever been righteous...🎅 Oh man, you have no idea. Rocking the right mullet was the most important decision of your life in 1989.🖊️ I'm afraid to ask, but I am required by law at this point. How righteous was your mullet in 1989?🎅 You ever see Billy Ray Cyrus?🖊️ Unfortunately, I've seen his work when I had a crush on Hannah Montana and was stalking her online.🎅 It was better!🖊️ So, your mullet was better than the um, poster child for mullets?🎅 Yup, and it's why I took the job.🖊️ What job?🎅 Well, that elf was a talent scout for the real Santa Claus, who was ready to retire. Seems he was tired of the perpetual beard that he didn't really want. Mrs. Claus was also ready to pass on her mantle, so to speak. They sent out elves to every mall in the world to scout for the most authentic Santa they could find. Seems they had a deal with the Salvation Army not to poach their bell ringers after the incident in 1972.🖊️ I don't even want to know...🎅 You really don't!🖊️ OK, so how did you get offered the job?🎅 Turns out that I had already been offered the job.🖊️ When the elf told you to be Santa?🎅 Yup. When I realized what was going on during that epiphashower, I had to go to the Awful Waffle and mull it over with some hashbrowns and cheese steak.🖊️ How did you formally accept the job?🎅 Well, there are some disadvantages to naturally looking like Santa. Like weighing 310 pounds most of your adult life. I actually was taking a shower at 1am because I couldn't sleep as I was having a cardiac MRI that day at noon.🖊️ Is this where you tell me that you died during the MRI and Santa saved you?🎅 Have you been reading my court filings against the hospital?At this point the young reporter did a double face-palm and started laughing to himself. 🖊️ I cannot believe I'm interviewing Mullet Santa and that his origin story is a combination of Elf and Robocop.🎅 Robocop? That would have been cool! 'Dead or alive, you're getting a present from me!'🖊️ Doesn't that go against the whole naughty list thing?🎅 Had to get rid of the naughty list. If I put anyone on it that wasn't a white, cis-gendered male, there was too much risk of being cancelled on Twitter.🖊️ But you're Mullet Santa, how can you get cancelled?🎅 They cancelled POTUS45, didn't they? It literally required that the richest man the world has ever known to buy Twitter to get POTUS45 un-banned. I'm just Santa Claus, most of the world doesn't even believe I exist. I have to be a deranged redneck from Tennessee to get any followers.🖊️ You are a deranged redneck from Tennessee...🎅 Touche. But while I contemplated a ...
