Wasted

A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

By: Marya Hornbacher

Narrated by: Marya Hornbacher

Precociously intelligent, imaginative, energetic, and ambitious, Marya Hornbacher grew up in a comfortable middle-class American home. At the age of 5, she returned home from ballet class one day, put on an enormous sweater, curled up on her bed, and cried because she thought she was fat. By age 9, she was secretly bulimic, throwing up at home after school, while watching Brady Bunch reruns on television and munching Fritos. She added anorexia to her repertoire a few years later and took great pride in her ability to starve.

Marya's story gathers intensity with each passing year. By the time she is in college and working for a wire news service in Washington D.C., she is in the grip of a bout of anorexia so horrifying that it will forever put to rest the romance of wasting away. Down to 52 pounds and counting, Marya becomes a battlefield: her powerful death instinct at war with the will to live.

Why would a talented young girl go through the looking glass and slip into a netherworld where up is down, food is greed, and death is honor? Why enter into a love affair with hunger, drugs, sex, and death? Marya Hornbacher sustained both anorexia and bulimia through five lengthy hospitalizations, endless therapy, the loss of family, friends, jobs, and ultimately, any sense of what it means to be "normal."

In this vivid, emotionally wrenching memoir, she recreates the experience and illuminates the tangle of personal, family, and cultural causes underlying eating disorders. Wasted is the story of one woman's travels to the darker side of reality, and her decision to find her way back again - on her own terms.

©1998 Marya Hornbacher (P)1998 Bantam Doubleday Dell Audio Publishing, Bantam Doubleday Dell Audio Publishing, A Division of Random House, Inc.

An Excellent Window...

Into the life of an anorexic, bulimic. For those of us who can't imagine a compulsion to starve it is almost incomprehsible. I was struck by how functional the writer was even during her worst times..Excelling in theatre, writing and more...She doesn't give herself enough credit for that. I think all mothers of teen girls should make time for this story..there is a lot to learn regarding what NOT to do and say to our daughters..

Touching

Got immersed in the story. Thanks for sharing Ms. Mayra. Would recommend to anyone interested in knowing more about eating disorders.

great book

She is a very talented writer, such a s way with words. Does a vivid job of painting pictures of madness in your head.

I came so close and this captured my experience so well.

I like that it showed the pain you caused so much and I’m in my case i don’t know know why.

Love it

By far the most beautifully written memoir on mental illness I've read.
I didn't get the sense that she was wallowing in self pity or making excuses.
I really enjoyed this book.

Maryah's Audible is Better than the Tangible Book

I loved this book when I read it years ago, but hearing the cadence of Maryah's voice, its ever-changing pace, her ability to emote, her honesty without abandon, perfectly captures her story. She's a phenomenal writer, and I want to say I'm sorry for what she went through, but I'm not. This book would not exist without the closet full of revelations, a walk-in closet, equally as large as she is small.

My roommate in college bulimic. She'd been hospitalized before coming to college, and I never said anything about it other than to listen without judgment. No hugs, no "But you're so beautiful how you are," no "Here, just take ONE bite." Nothing. One day I asked her simply why she did it, if sher felt like talking to me about it, because I was curious. I let her open up, and I just listened. At the end of her explanation, which was pretty much, "I don't know." seemed like a revelation to herself. I don't know what clicked, but she stopped binging and purging.

I suspect this change happened because she was finally away from parents who tip-toed around her eating disorder, yet constantly tried to "help her" by pushing food at her, both gently and forcibly, determined to save her from herself.

I think - and this is just a hypothesis - that it was because she was an only child, the sole focus of her "doting" parents (who were, by all accounts, lovely people). Maryah's book is a doorway to understanding what goes through the head of someone with an eating disorder (though of course, taking into account that everyone suffering from an eating disorder has a different reason why it began).

I absolutely loved Maryah's narration. I also love how she says the word "do," which sounds a tiny bit like a Hollywood continental form of English. Just that word.

I have listened to this book several times, and as I am bipolar, I can recognize those sleepless nights - not because of food, but simply because her behavior was typical of the DSM-V label of Mania, meeting all the criteria of someone with a glaringly bipolar existence. Perhaps that mania is what kept her alive. ThingsToDo • PlacesToSee • PeopleToHideFrom • FuriouslyDisappearingInHerWritigs • AttendingCollegeInTheCityOfShallowPersonalitiesWhereSheCanGoUnnoticedWhileTheRestOfDCisTooBusy/SelfAbsorbed/SuperficalToCare • VacillatingWildlyBetweenProductivityAndHerPainNeedToEscape.

Her life reads like she's nothing but a shadow, seducing words to (dishonestly) explain away her desperate need to control her body. It was the only thing over which she was NOT powerless, and the fleeting satisfaction after she puked, and the willpower to abstain from eating.

When it was raining outside where I grew up, I hated the days I couldn't go out without getting wet. I asked my father (rest in peace) what I should do to stay dry during rainstorms. he responded with an answer: "Just slip between the raindrops."

I tried to become anorexic, to avoid the rain - I believed what my dad said. Eventually I was tiny enough to believe this was possible, but I couldn't do it, so I felt enormous. I tried becoming bulimic, but I was unable to do it quietly, and always ended up with red dots all over under my eyes.

It is NOT a book for those with anorexia; the "tips" provided - such as eating the brightly colored food first, to know you've succeeded in eliminating the entire binge. Or adjusting the scale at her weigh-ins, wearing layers of clothing, with jewelry and rocks in her pockets, downing 8 or 9 glasses of water so the scale would reflect no weight loss.

I'm a cutter as well, but usually only once or twice a year. My parents had an extremely contentious relationship, and my dad always served me Mallowmars, chocolate cake or Entennman's donuts for breakfast, with a large glass of milk. He also got me a dog, which had always been my dream. My mother, on the other hand, only had healthy food and no dog - I was simply a pawn between my parents for 30 years. My dad had the "good stuff", so I chose to spend a lot of time at his house (which was his manipulative plan all along). Food baffled me, in that each house had the opposite options. Plus, my dad bought my brothers and I the dog.

Anyway, back to the book - it haunted me with ghosts from my past, and I'm grateful that both anorexia and bulimia were not in the cards for me. Instead, I would end up with a drug problem, another symptom of an underlying mental distress. Bipolar Disorder.

I imagine that 'Wasted' is so descriptive and raw, that it would be a total trigger for anyone with an ED.

Absolutely a perfect book, and it really comes to light with Maryah's narration. I can listen to it over and over.

unflinching

The author tells her story boldly and honestly. Parts of it were hard to listen to, but she does not gloss over her struggles or how they affected those around her. I finished listening in a day, so it definitely wasn't difficult to finish.

Close to home.

If you are or know someone with an eating disorder, this book will make it raw for you. It tells very fundamental truths about the rituals observed, how it starts, and how it never ends. Difficult to listen to, but worth the effort. For once, the author is an excellent narrator. I'm glad I found this.

Captivating

I did not know anything about eating disorders but Marya did an excellent job of describing the internal workings of the experience of having an eating disorder. Her insight is truly remarkable and her story presentation is captivating. She weaved explanations and technical terms throughout her stories to ground the listener and her narration made the autobiography come alive. She contextualized her life. As a listener without a clue as to what encompasses eating disorders, I was educated and entertained at the same time. I was not so much entertained by her self destruction as I was with the responsibility that she took and her sturdy personality. As an outsider, the image that I had conjured up of somebody with an eating disorder was that of somebody frail and vulnerable, but that was quickly countered by Marya's quick wit and determination. Determination that almost killed her. I would highly recommend this to anybody wanting to know about eating disorders, it is highly personal.

Quick read, hard to put down

If you're like me and you find mental illness fascinating this is a really well written first person account of what it's like to struggle with Anorexia Nervosa. It's interesting to see how an eating disorder begins and spirals out of control.

I saw a documentary with this author recently where she stated that she was young when she wrote this book and it triggered her eating disorder. Perhaps that is why there are many people who consider this entire book a trigger and have mixed emotions about it. I'd be interested to read her take on the events now, many years later, as recovered as anyone could be.