This Far

My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light

De: Allison Holker

Narrado por: Suzanne Elise Freeman

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

“A celebration of the healing power of family and dance, Holker’s memoir shows how to heal from tragedy without wrapping everything up in a neat bow.” – Library Journal

In this candid and emotional memoir, Allison Holker opens up about her incredible dance career, her relationship with Stephen “tWitch” Boss, and the resilience that has carried her forward after his death.

Allison Holker was just eighteen when she found fame as a contestant on the reality TV show So You Think You Can Dance. Over the next several years, she had her first child, built a successful career as a professional dancer despite the industry being hostile to working moms, and fell in love with and married fellow dancer Stephen Boss, the former hype man and DJ of The Ellen DeGeneres Show known for his charisma and relentless positivity. Two more children and a wealth of professional opportunities for both Allison and Stephen followed, and the Bosses appeared to be one of the great Hollywood love stories.

Then, in December 2022, Stephen took his own life, leaving Allison to wrestle with unanswered questions, haunting what-ifs, and the heartbreaking realization that Stephen’s infectious joy was hiding pain, addictions, and self-doubt deeper than anyone knew.

For the first time, Allison reveals how she has navigated the emotional and financial aftermath of Stephen’s choice, guided their three children in their grief while managing the outpouring from a well-meaning public, and reopened herself to the next chapter in her professional and personal life. A beacon of hope and comfort for anyone experiencing grief—especially unexpected loss due to suicide—Allison’s story is an honest reflection on the pain of looking back on a complicated life and the resilience required to move into the future.

©2025 Allison Holker (P)2025 Harper Select

Sharing her story on His suicide. I am a survivor and I’ve lost my dad to suicide.

Nothing, it is absolutely heartbreaking when she had to tell her child that he was gone and brought brought back a lot of feelings for me personally.

So real

This was so great. She beautifully depicted her heartbreak and anger. It’s clear that she loves her family so much.

Articulate

Disliked the crackly voice of the narrator. The story was well told on such a hard subject and something I will take with me if I encounter somebody whose family has experienced suicide.

Ayahuasca

So many after reports about this book have focused on Allison’s revelations about Stephen’s drug use and childhood trauma. I was surprised when I got to the chapter on Ayahuasca. This is dangerous stuff. Some people report these beautiful, life affirming circumstances. But others have devastating psychiatric emergencies. It’s a coin toss.

this book is important!

Allison, I appreciate you writing this book and sharing your honest feelings with me. This book is gut wrenching at times. But it's honest and bold. It answered a lot of questions. I am sorry suicide is apart of your families story, there are no words to make it easier, but you are so right in knowing that your story- told from your point of view - can make a difference in someone else's story.

Standout and Important

I know that Allison faced a lot of criticism for telling her story and was accused widely of seeking to profit from or exploit her husband’s pain and death. This story is not an expose on Stephen’s pain. In fact, Stephen’s pain is largely only alluded to in the book. Not even Stephen himself could give shape to his demons, not even in his final moments. This story is much, much more about the juxtaposition of intense love and the impact of a devastating crime and the experience of holding and reconciling such extremes. I found this story profound in its sensitive but exacting prose and authentic exploration of suicide’s impact- not only in isolated events but through generations.

Allison’s brave and thoughtful narrative is a standout piece, and those who have endured the helplessness and devastation of a loved one choosing to leave will find comfort. Those of us who have been fortunate enough not to experience such devastation will find enlightenment and guidance in how to support those who have. Those who may be considering suicide will be pushed to consider the impact of their choice. I hope that lives can be saved.

Perhaps most importantly, though, Allison’s story will help to build and expand critical, foundational vocabulary about love and loss and a subject that is too important to be taboo.

Touching

The book brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Allison for sharing your story, I loved the vulnerability and raw emotions. The story was heartfelt and touching. I hope you and the kids continue to seek happiness & healing after such loss! My only critic is that the voice of the narrator felt robotic at times (Siri voice) highly recommended though.

Heartbreaking but so inspiring for her strength and resilience!

A story filled with so much pain, heartbreak and anger due to the loss of a beautiful husband and icon turned into a story of strength and resiliency finding hope on a new path. Her family has endured so much pain and not just pain from the loss of a loved one but the pain from the confusion of why he chose to leave this life and his beautiful family. I am beyond mesmerized by how she and her children have coped with this tragic loss and how she shares with her children to feel through the pain.

Light vs. Darkness

Allison spends a lot of time reflecting on her childhood and how her experiences shaped her, which helps explain why she may have overlooked some of the warning signs in her late husband, Stephen. As the story unfolds, it becomes painfully clear that he caused deep hurt within their family, leaving Allison to question everything she once believed about their relationship and life together. While she doesn’t explore Stephen’s personal struggles in great detail, she does emphasize the importance of mental health advocacy for men and the need to acknowledge and express emotions. Stephen seemed to be a deep thinker who felt things intensely, yet he kept so much of it bottled up. The story highlights the importance of openness and vulnerability when navigating emotional struggles.

What stood out to me the most, though, was the darkness surrounding Stephen’s story, particularly through his experiences with drugs and certain retreats. Rather than bringing healing, these things seemed to deepen his struggles, and it felt as though he was tormented—something I truly believe was a demonic presence. Allison leans heavily into what I’d describe as “new age” spirituality, which is interesting given her and Stephen’s background in Catholicism and Mormonism, I assume by her story and Stephen’s rosary. She also opens her book with a Bible verse, which adds another layer to the complexity of her spiritual journey.

While I respect that everyone’s path is unique, some of the things she describes made me question whether they led to peace or just added to the confusion. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6). True healing and peace can only be found in Him, the light that leads us to heaven.

Such strength and sadness

I actually love this book. It was well written, and I enjoyed every minute of it.