The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness

By: Babylon Bee

Narrated by: P. J. Ochlan

To show the world you're a good person - and also to avoid getting canceled and having your life ruined by a Twitter mob - you need to get WOKE. In The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness, the writers of satirical sensation The Babylon Bee tell you how to choose your pronouns, blame everyone else for your problems, and show the world how virtuous you are with virtue-signaling profile pictures and stunning and brave hashtags. A tongue-in-cheek guide to the far Left’s obsession with intersectional insanity, The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness will help you laugh at the state of our culture, so you don’t cry.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2021 The Babylon Bee (P)2021 Black Hills Audiobooks LLC

Hilarious

From the dedication on, I couldn’t stop laughing. What’s scary is the “Woke” really do believe this way!

A Concise Compendium of a slang word used in a small portion of today’s cultures

No regrets in A better understanding is garnished simply by wasting a couple of hours listening to this garble- it is clearly and concisely written. The narrator is emphatic. Short story here:
There is nothing to dislike about this material . It is an excellent explanatory guide to a lot of misdirection in society today .

The Science says that pygmies are monkeys

You thought the Science changed since 1885? Wrong. The Science only changed its name. It used to be called Scientific Racism. Now it's called Scientific Wokeness and is also known as Scientific Race Theory. You must not be colorblind because color-blindness is racist. When you look at a Pygmy, you must see a monkey. Pygmies belong in a zoo. They belong in the primate house, in a cage next to the gorillas. If you think the science changed, then you are Krushchev's puppet.

Who is Krushchev? A Russian from 1960. There used to be Latinx, Middle Eastern, and Black Russian assets. The CIA was created in the 1950s to rid the earth of them. Color-blindness is the invention of black Russian assets. Russia is white. And all white people are racist. Therefore, Russians are racist. We must rid the world of Russians. The CIA is not a racist power structure. Krushchev said that. We don't know what powers structures actually are. We don't have any examples of power structures. We just know that they exist. That's vague, you say? That's Science, and you cannot question it. Power structures exist, power structures are racist, and the CIA is not one of them. The CIA is your friend. We need the CIA to fight Russia. The only kind of war you can win against Russia is a covert war. Any other kind of war will get us nuked. Amerikkka sucks, but the CIA is exceptional, because of its advanced Wokeness. And this will shock you: Dave Chappelle is a black Russian asset. It is not enough to cancel him. We must capture him, ship him to Guantanamo Bay, and have him executed by good old fashioned firing squad. Then we must dissolve him in electric car battery acid and make sure that not a tooth survives. Because that is the only way to get rid of Black Russian assets. We must rewrite history and make sure that the Black Russian assets never get to see the light of day. For the most dangerous white supremacist is the Black white supremacist, and the most dangerous Black white supremacist is the Black Russian asset. The most dangerous Black Russian asset is Dave Chappelle, who is connected, through his mom, to the most dangerous Black Russian asset of all time. Who is that? You are not allowed to know. And in the same way, your grandchildren will have never heard of Dave Chappelle.

And we must have our electric cars. The Science demands it. But you are not allowed to see them get made, because the process is uglier than making a sausage. This is why we canceled Heart of Darkness. It exposed too much. The Chinese man's burden is to assemble the electric car. The black man's burden is to extract the electric car from the earth. The white man's burden is to train the black man to extract the electric car from the earth. And it must be done out of sight. Saving the earth from Climate Change is such a noble cause that it is worthy of a blood sacrifice. No amount of blood is too much, but it must be done out of sight. There is no such thing as cultural colonialism, because patriarchy, transphobia, and racism caused colonialism, and Wokeness is the solution. We need to CIA to covertly convert all countries to Wokeness, and we need sanctions to persuade their leaders. Paul Kagame is our best ally. To sum up: Pygmies are monkeys. Dave Chappelle is a Black Russian asset. Electric cars will stop Climate Change. There is no such thing as Woke imperialism. The end justifies the means, and it must be done out of sight. To stop Climate Change, all countries must march in lockstep with the World Economic Forum. Independence is for Russian assets. Colonialism will not end until we win the war on Climate Change. Then you will own nothing, eat bugs, and be happy.

No Laughing Matter

The content of this book is brilliant and insightful. I withheld one star because the delivery was not for me. It may be for you, so try it. I envisioned four twenty-something guys sitting around a lunch table cracking wise about wokeness. There was a fifth guy taking notes, so after 3 hours of this he sat down and wrote the book. They were playing for giggles rather than laughs. I would call it nerdy, or nerd-silly humor. From the staff of Babylon Bee it is probably what we should expect. I just wish someone would take their material - like the chapter on 'Entertainment' - , write a serious essay and delivery it at a Hillsdale College conference and have it published in Imprimis for its 6 million readers. Wokeness, and what it is doing to our country, is no laughing matter. - Tom Adams

It's hilarious and also true.

I love the Babylon Bee. The Audio Book was narrated perfectly and was so funny. I suggest everyone get this audio book for their teenagers to listen to. It may save them from growing up to be woke idiots in the future.

2+2=5

Thanks to the Babylon Bee, I have a more clear understanding of what it is to be woke.

Through their guidance I have learned to fight the tyranny of whiteness, both in the world around me and within myself.

I know, now, that I am, and always will be a racist and that there is nothing I can do to change that.

I am equipped with the knowledge to move forward chastising the people around me, advocating for social justice, and aiding the government in raising my children (that I, unwisely, brought into the world).

Thanks, Babylon Bee!

NAILS IT.

Absolutely nails the woke. They are big fans of Andrew Klavan and his humor. it really comes across. If they ever redo this audio boom they should the Sexy Gandolf Andrew Klavan to do it.

This is not satire, this a documentary

If you don't think this is funny, then you are the subject of this book. If you took away the hysterical jokes, you would have a non-fiction documentary on Wokism, cancel culture, and all of the nuanced lunacy that comes with it. If you are not the subject of this book. If you do think this is funny you are a racist, cisgendered, bigoted, Rachel Madow hating, MAGA hat wearing white supremacists. Don't have a MAGA hat? That doesn't matter. You aren't white? That doesn't matter. This book perfectly encapsulates the times we live in. You should listen to it right away.

Couldn’t stop laughing!

As I listen to this book for the 2nd time in a row I can’t stop laughing at how close to the truth it comes to how this woke movement makes me feel when I hear a new low on the news or an article posted on the web. It’s sad that we are going this direction but funny to laugh at the movement’s dumb bullet points.

Satire but True

Everyone knows that’s BB is a satirical page, but man is this true. The “wokeness” is unbelievable in the world today, and this book sheds light on how much of a joke it is. Highly recommend!