Rethinking Sex

A Provocation

By: Christine Emba

Narrated by: Christine Emba

Part searing examination, part call to arms—a bold case against modern sexual ethics, from young Washington Post columnist Christine Emba.

For years now, modern-day sexual ethics has held that “anything goes” when it comes to sex—as long as everyone says yes, and does so enthusiastically. So why, even when consent has been ascertained, are so many of our sexual experiences filled with frustration, and disappointment, even shame?

The truth is that the rules that make up today’s consent-only sexual code may actually be the cause of our sexual malaise—not the solution. In Rethinking Sex, reporter Christine Emba shows how consent is a good ethical floor but a terrible ceiling. She spells out the cultural, historical, and psychological forces that have warped our idea of sex, what is permitted, and what is considered “safe.” In visiting critical points in recent years—from #MeToo and the Aziz Ansari scandal, to the phenomenal response to “Cat Person”—she reveals how a consent-only view of sex has hijacked our ability to form authentic and long-lasting connections, exposing us further to chronic isolation and resentment.

Reaching back to the wisdom of thinkers like Thomas Aquinas and Andrea Dworkin, and drawing from sociological studies, interviews with college students, and poignant examples from her own life, Emba calls for a more humane philosophy, one that starts with consent but accounts for the very real emotional, mental, social, and political implications of sex—even, she argues, if it means saying no to certain sexual practices or challenging societal expectations altogether.

More than a bold reassessment of modern norms, Rethinking Sex invites us to imagine what it means to will the good of others, and in turn, attain greater affirmation, fulfillment, and satisfaction for ourselves.

©2022 Christine Emba (P)2022 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

“It’s rare that a book hits the cultural moment with the precision of Rethinking Sex. Exploring very new attitudes toward this very old act, Christine Emba finds an entirely changed landscape from even a few years ago. Casual sex no longer prevails, “catching feelings” isn't a cause for embarrassment, and even though the kids’ aren’t alright at the moment, there is much cause for optimism.” –Vanessa Grigoriadis, author of Blurred Lines

“Rethinking Sex is an overdue attempt at writing down the very real frustrations that many have with today’s mating market, warped as it has become by cheap sex, marital substitutes, and all the other reasons that drive us away from the formation of the permanent relationships so many crave. The market mentality is entrenched, but Emba points readers to toward the way out.” –Mark Regnerus, author of Cheap Sex

Timely

I would prefer a more rigorous argument. But I think this is a much needed question about sexual mores.

Thought-provoking and much needed!

I really liked the author's narration. I've been thinking about and writing/speaking on these topics for a long time, but her ability to put them into a larger ever-evolving historical and cultural context was wonderful.

Thoughtful, honest, and compelling

As an ethicist, I agree with many of M. Emba's conclusions, though not all. Her arguments are thought-provoking, and I am incorporating some of them into my classes.

I'm not sure if I learned anything but...

Read it for the insight alone. Long and fluffy in some places. I can't believe this is where we've arrived regarding sex.

Excellent compelling thoughful

Engaging and cogent assessment. Even handed and remarkable description of the state of modern Western culture; frankness much appreciated.

Thoughtful, timely

like that sexual cultire, habit, and approach was gently and thoughtfullymoved between individual responsibility, shared (partners) and community responsibilities.

Great points

Should have been 2 hrs shorter. I agree with most points, but it’s over the top too long. The essay becomes performative and whiny. I think there’s a lot to unpack, but the repetitive examples drone on and the meaning gets lost.

Great food for thought

Excellent, thoughtful reading. Thoroughly researched. Well constructed analysis. Sensitive handling. Graceful personal touches. A welcome and overdue perspective.

A new much needed feminism is afoot

The best summary of the bubbling instincts most women feel in the unequal relational status we are telegraphed starting before we can walk. The sexual revolution has often felt like a trick to force women to be ok with and even warriors for their own objectification. Sexual autonomy for women in a masculine paradigm is only achieved by acknowledging the inequality and giving women a real voice for their experience, not forcing them to be judged if they aren’t amplifiers of male sexual goals and male sexual priority enablers. It’s like we all agreed to pretend. I love that this book is starting the conversation of truth for the female and sometimes male experience. Complete freedom coupled with ever presence of porn is destroying the male brain. A realignment of values around sexual connection cannot happen soon enough.

Steamy Monogamy

Reading this book reminded me of this line from some forgettable film I saw a few years back...

One smug dude looks at another smug dude and says: "The day pole-dancing became a form of exercise, we men won the sexual revolution."

This book has that vibe: the sex-filled and gender-fluid 21st century has benefited lusty, polyamorous men and left most women feeling emotionally void, if not fully traumatized. This book makes a case for why we should all demand more intimacy from our partners.

The book focuses on case studies (which provide the reader with engaging narratives) buttressed by a good deal of sociological and philosophical research. The book is a relatively easy read. The author's narration on audible is clear, albeit a bit slow.

The target audience for this book seems to be women in their 20s and 30s. But I'm a hetero man nearing 50 and I enjoyed the book. For me, it reiterated the idea that truly sexy sex is holistic when the relationship is monogamous, committed and caring--no matter what ridiculous fantasies my brain (and society) concoct for me, the best sex you can ever have is with a life partner who will love you fully in return. That's when the oxytocin flows and every touch feels fantastic.

This book is four-stars because the author dismisses the genuine political gains of women, such as Title IX, in improving the lives of females in this country. This made me angry and question the author's motives in writing the book. I get the sense that the author probably likes the current Supreme Court, which makes me cringe. If she doesn't then she needs to speak up more loudly in her books about how women deserve their freedoms and reproductive control.