Portrait of the Nonartist
Vale Short Stories, Book 8
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Portrait of the Nonartist
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Narrated by:
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Daniel Dorse
About this listen
Mom and dad wanted him to write the next great American novel, so he had a typewriter gathering dust in a closet. They wanted him to compose a symphony that would get him to Julliard or at least U of I, so the piano sat in the basement (alongside the money pit trombone) until its keys stuck. They wanted him to DJ the local radio and work his way up to NBC or even the Tonight Show as a comedian if he did enough stand-up. They focused on so many routes to his future fortune (which would be theirs as well) and future fame (the source of their future fortune) that he ended up rebelling his way into mediocrity. In telling him he could do anything, they told him he was good for nothing but their own pleasure, their own wealth, their own celebrity, their own power.
But he could drive a truck, by God. Wasn't that worth giving your life to? Blood and all?
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“Schaubert’s words have an immediacy, a potency, an intimacy that grab the reader by the collar and say ‘Listen, this is important!’ Probing the bones and gristle of humanity, his subjects challenge, but also offer insights into redemption if only we will stop and pay attention.” (Erika Robuck, national best-selling author of Hemingway’s Girl)
“Loved this story because Lance wrote about people who don't get written about enough and he did it with humor, compassion, and heart.” (Brian Slatterly, author of Lost Everything and editor of The New Haven Review)
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- A Journey to the Heart of Florida
- By: Kent Russell
- Narrated by: Kent Russell
- Length: 10 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 41
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 35
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 34
A wickedly smart, funny, and irresistibly off-kilter account of an improbable thousand-mile journey on foot into the heart of modern Florida, the state that Russell calls "America Concentrate".
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1 out of 5 stars
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Wanna be writer and other fools
- By E on 08-11-20
By: Kent Russell
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1 Dead in Attic
- After Katrina
- By: Chris Rose
- Narrated by: Bronson Pinchot
- Length: 9 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 126
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 113
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 113
1 Dead in Attic is a collection of stories by Times-Picayune columnist Chris Rose, recounting the first harrowing year and a half of life in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Celebrated as a local treasure and heaped with national praise, Rose provides a rollercoaster ride of observation, commentary, emotion, tragedy, and even humor - in a way that only he could find in a devastated wasteland. They are stories of the dead and the living, stories of survivors and believers, stories of hope and despair.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Still Makes Me Hurt
- By Gillian on 02-27-15
By: Chris Rose
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Canada
- By: Mike Myers
- Narrated by: Mike Myers
- Length: 5 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,868
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 1,715
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 1,713
Comedy superstar Mike Myers writes from the (true patriot) heart about his 53-year relationship with his beloved Canada. Mike Myers is a world-renowned actor, director and writer and the man behind some of the most memorable comic characters of our time. But, as he says, "No description of me is truly complete without saying I'm a Canadian". He has often winked and nodded to Canada in his outrageously accomplished body of work, but now he turns the spotlight full-beam on his homeland.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Thoughtful and perfect for any X-Pat from Canada
- By Hugh Burnham on 05-02-17
By: Mike Myers
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Born to Run
- By: Bruce Springsteen
- Narrated by: Bruce Springsteen
- Length: 18 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 10,710
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 9,818
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 9,771
In 2009, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band performed at the Super Bowl's halftime show. The experience was so exhilarating that Bruce decided to write about it. That's how this extraordinary autobiography began. Over the past seven years, Bruce Springsteen has privately devoted himself to writing the story of his life, bringing to this audio the same honesty, humor, and originality found in his songs.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Me Springsteen's book moved me beyond words...
- By Ellen O'Brien on 12-12-16
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Talking to Canadians
- A Memoir
- By: Rick Mercer
- Narrated by: Rick Mercer
- Length: 10 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 44
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 39
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Story5 out of 5 stars 39
What is Rick Mercer going to do now? That was the question on everyone's lips when the beloved comedian retired his hugely successful TV show after 15 seasons - and at the peak of its popularity. The answer came not long after, when he roared back in a new role as stand-up-comedian, playing to sold-out houses wherever he appeared. And then COVID-19 struck. And his legions of fans began asking again: What is Rick Mercer going to do now? Well, for one thing, he's been writing a comic masterpiece.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Mercer Killed and He Will Kill Again
- By Quinn M on 11-28-22
By: Rick Mercer
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Home Before Daylight
- My Life on the Road with the Grateful Dead
- By: Steve Parish, Joe Layden - contributor, Bob Weir - foreword
- Narrated by: Sean Runnette
- Length: 9 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 260
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 227
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Story5 out of 5 stars 227
Steve Parish was never one to walk the straight-and-narrow, even during his childhood growing up in Flushing Meadow, Queens. Busted as a teenager for selling acid in the summer of 1968, Parish landed in Riker's Island. The experience changed him, and after getting out, he did his best to stay out of trouble, securing a job moving music equipment at the New York State Pavilion. The first show he worked was a Grateful Dead concert in July of 1969, and Parish was captivated by the music. A life seemingly headed nowhere had suddenly found its calling.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Narrator-Blaa
- By MORGAN NOTEL on 10-06-19
By: Steve Parish, and others
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We Had a Little Real Estate Problem
- The Unheralded Story of Native Americans & Comedy
- By: Kliph Nesteroff
- Narrated by: Kliph Nesteroff
- Length: 9 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 179
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 152
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 155
It was one of the most reliable jokes in Charlie Hill’s stand-up routine: “My people are from Wisconsin. We used to be from New York. We had a little real estate problem.” In We Had a Little Real Estate Problem, acclaimed comedy historian Kliph Nesteroff focuses on one of comedy’s most significant and little-known stories: how, despite having been denied representation in the entertainment industry, Native Americans have influenced and advanced the art form.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Amazing book!
- By Gregg Anderson on 03-22-21
By: Kliph Nesteroff
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Broken Horses
- A Memoir
- By: Brandi Carlile
- Narrated by: Brandi Carlile
- Length: 10 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 4,548
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 3,866
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Story5 out of 5 stars 3,836
Brandi Carlile was born into a musically gifted, impoverished family on the outskirts of Seattle and grew up in a constant state of change, moving from house to house, trailer to trailer, 14 times in as many years. Though imperfect in every way, her dysfunctional childhood was as beautiful as it was strange, and as nurturing as it was difficult. At the age of five, Brandi contracted bacterial meningitis, which almost took her life, leaving an indelible mark on her formative years and altering her journey into young adulthood.
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5 out of 5 stars
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I have almost 2000 audible books and ...
- By M. Lynn on 04-22-21
By: Brandi Carlile
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Paddle Your Own Canoe
- One Man's Fundamentals for Delicious Living
- By: Nick Offerman
- Narrated by: Nick Offerman
- Length: 10 hrs and 50 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 13,161
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 11,928
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 11,849
Growing a perfect moustache, grilling red meat, wooing a woman - who better to deliver this tutelage than the always charming, always manly Nick Offerman, best known as Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson? Combining his trademark comic voice and very real expertise in woodworking - he runs his own woodshop - Paddle Your Own Canoe features tales from Offerman's childhood in small-town Minooka, Illinois, to his theater days in Chicago, beginnings as a carpenter/actor and the hilarious and magnificent seduction of his now-wife Megan Mullally.
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5 out of 5 stars
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On the need to acknowledge the role luck plays
- By OpenMindedNotCredulous on 11-17-13
By: Nick Offerman
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A Personal Stand
- Observations and Opinions from a Freethinking Roughneck
- By: Trace Adkins
- Narrated by: Alan Sklar
- Length: 8 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 39
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 20
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Story5 out of 5 stars 20
Country-music superstar Trace Adkins isn't exactly known for holding back whatâ¿¿s on his mind. And if the millions of albums he's sold are any indication, when Trace talks, people listen. Now, in A Personal Stand, Trace Adkins delivers his maverick manifesto on politics, personal responsibility, fame, parenting, being true to yourself, hard work, and the way things ought to be.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Another Celebrity Story
- By Patricia B Tripoli on 01-13-09
By: Trace Adkins
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Never Look at the Empty Seats
- A Memoir
- By: Charlie Daniels
- Narrated by: Charlie Daniels
- Length: 8 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 910
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 821
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Story5 out of 5 stars 816
Few artists have left a more indelible mark on America's musical landscape than Charlie Daniels. Listeners will experience a soft, personal side of Charlie Daniels that has never before been documented. In his own words, he presents the path from his post-Depression childhood to performing for millions as one of the most successful country acts of all time and what he has learned along the way.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Like a Rocking Chair on Charlie's Front porch.
- By BassetMomma on 11-07-17
By: Charlie Daniels
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Liner Notes
- On Parents & Children, Exes & Excess, Death & Decay, & a Few of My Other Favorite Things
- By: Loudon Wainwright III
- Narrated by: Loudon Wainwright III
- Length: 10 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 63
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 60
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 60
A memoir by the influential Grammy Award-winning singer and actor - son of journalist Loudon Wainwright, former husband of Kate McGarrigle and Suzzy Roche, and father of Rufus Wainwright, Martha Wainwright, Lucy Wainwright Roche, and Lexie Kelly Wainwright - a captivating meditation on relationships and creativity from the patriarch of one of America's great musical families. With a career spanning more than four decades, Loudon Wainwright III has established himself as one of the most enduring singer-songwriters who emerged from the late '60s.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Best ever book for listening
- By Jeff Bernhardt on 10-29-17
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Rick Mercer Final Report
- By: Rick Mercer
- Narrated by: Rick Mercer
- Length: 6 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 30
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 28
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 28
Rick Mercer can always be relied on to provoke a strong reaction - but what he said one fall day in 2017 truly shocked Canada. In a rant posted on social media, the great Canadian satirist announced loud and clear that the 15th season of the Rick Mercer Report - the nation's best-watched and best-loved comedy show - would be the last. This volume brings together never-before-published rants from the last five seasons of the show, plus a selection of the very best rants from earlier years.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Mercer Hits It Out Of The Ballpark
- By Wade Lancaster on 11-11-19
By: Rick Mercer
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Will
- By: Will Smith, Mark Manson
- Narrated by: Will Smith
- Length: 16 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 58,158
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 52,628
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Story5 out of 5 stars 52,366
One of the most dynamic and globally recognized entertainment forces of our time opens up fully about his life, in a brave and inspiring book that traces his learning curve to a place where outer success, inner happiness, and human connection are aligned. Along the way, Will tells the story in full of one of the most amazing rides through the worlds of music and film that anyone has ever had.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Will sure loves Will
- By Kejeco on 11-18-21
By: Will Smith, and others
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This Might Get a Little Heavy
- A Memoir
- By: Ralphie May, Nils Parker
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 8 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 284
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 248
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 249
There was a time when Ralphie May was one of the biggest stand-up comedians in the country, both by ticket sales and by tonnage. While some things changed - Ralphie lost half his body weight - others did not: He will be remembered as one of the most successful comics of his time. Completed just months before his untimely passing, in This Might Get a Little Heavy, Ralphie takes listeners on a behind-the-scenes tour of his life and career, one that winds across the country, over obstacles, beyond heartbreak, and through the golden age of stand-up.
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5 out of 5 stars
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brilliant and tragic
- By Timothy Trujillo on 08-12-18
By: Ralphie May, and others
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Disney's Land
- Walt Disney and the Invention of the Amusement Park That Changed the World
- By: Richard Snow
- Narrated by: Jacques Roy
- Length: 12 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 282
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 250
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 249
This is a spectacular story of error and innovation, a wild ride from a vision to the realization of an iconic cultural landscape. It reflects the park’s uniqueness, but just as strongly that of the man who built it with a watchmaker’s precision, an artist’s conviction, and the desperate, high-hearted recklessness of a riverboat gambler.
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2 out of 5 stars
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Okay, but better books on the subject
- By J.D. on 12-07-19
By: Richard Snow
What listeners say about Portrait of the Nonartist
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- kutzkai
- 09-02-20
19 Minutes Of Gold
Portrait Of The Non Artist is one of the best short stories by Lancelot Schaubert in my opinion. Again Daniel Dorse does a great job of narrating..
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Mary Karowski
- 08-05-20
A must for parents everywhere
Ever wonder if you are putting too many expectations on your child? Ever wonder if you are trying too hard to steal them somewhere that you wish you could have been? This is a great short tale of expectations. I was voluntarily provided this free review copy audiobook by the author, narrator or publisher
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