Notes on a Silencing

A Memoir

By: Lacy Crawford

Narrated by: Lacy Crawford

Length: 11 hrs and 5 mins

Publisher's summary

A "powerful and scary and important and true" memoir of a young woman's struggle to regain her sense of self after trauma, and the efforts by a powerful New England boarding school to silence her—at any cost (Sally Mann, author of Hold Still).

Shortlisted for the 2022 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing

When Notes on a Silencing hit bookstores in the summer of 2020, even amidst a global pandemic, it sent shockwaves through the country. Not only did this intimate investigative memoir usher in a media storm of coverage, but it also prompted the elite St. Paul's School to issue a formal apology to the author, Lacy Crawford, for its handling of her report of sexual assault by two fellow students nearly thirty years ago.

In this searing book, Crawford tells the story of coming forward during the state investigation of the elite New England prep school decades after her assault, only to find for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hardworking girl she’d been, as well as astonishing proof of an institutional silencing. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined; they were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.

This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry deep into gender, privilege, and power, and the ways shame and guilt are used to silence victims. Insightful, arresting, and beautifully written, Notes on a Silencing wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?

“Erudite and devastating… Crawford's writing is astonishing… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling…”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

A Best Book of the Year: Time, NPR, People, Real Simple, Marie Claire, The Lineup, LitHub, Library Journal, BookPage, and Shelf Awareness

A New York Times Book Review Notable Book

A New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice

One of People Magazine’s 10 Best Books of the Year

Semifinalist for a Goodreads Choice Award

©2020 Lacy Crawford (P)2020 Hachette Audio

Critic reviews

“Erudite and devastating… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling… Crawford’s writing is astonishing.”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

“A riveting, damning exploration of how a single moment can reshape an entire life… [and] a haunting exploration of the systematic ways assault victims are ignored… Crawford’s revelations about the insidious and systematic ways stories of assault are buried left me shaken, moved, angry. By the end, we all understand how rarely women are granted any kind of justice… Crawford does what the best memoirists do: She reaches beyond a single story… in its relentless exploration of power and hubris, Notes on a Silencing is a story that reminds us (because we apparently need reminding again and again) that women are still impotent against institutions and the men who run them… One cannot help but conjure the poised, careful testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and the sputtering, self-righteous rage of Brett M. Kavanaugh… a stunning, audacious attempt to reassert power over her own story.”—Rachel Louise Snyder, Washington Post

“The rigor and elegance of Crawford’s sentences, even while writing about such painful things, lifts this memoir into literary heights… Crawford lays bare the impact of violence on identity. She navigates her trauma surgically by trying to establish the parameters of its lexicon… with the help of therapy, detectives, records she thought lost to time, and a new case brought to the fore, Crawford is forcing the unchecked power of an elite institution to answer for their violations and the victims they shoved into silent hallways of despair.”—Kerri Arsenault, Boston Globe

Well told and well read

Lacy Crawford’s devastating story, though not surprising, is no less horrifying for its cold and knowing predictability. The reader roots for Crawford to upend the established order at her New England boarding school, and to make someone—anyone—pay. Somehow, even in all its awfulness, Crawford manages to inject a certain dark humor in the telling. In the end I was left feeling that I would love to hang out with this strong and brave, self aware, remarkable woman! Well worth reading and hearing.

Lacy Crawford you are amazing!!

This book is absolutely captivating, everything about it is excellent. It's a story that grabs you from the first sentence and doesn't let go. Perhaps that's because we hear truth and pain and sincere emotion. Perhaps because Lacy Crawford has laid her heart out open and raw for all of us to see. I hope with all that I am that she has brought St Paul's and all abusive clergy right to their knees, both in shame and in asking for forgiveness. More than anything I hope they learn from it and never allow this to happen or go un addressed again.
Lacy Crawford, you are amazing. I believe you, I see your pain and I honor you. Telling this story is going to resonate for a long long time and I hope you come to really know how much good you are doing for abused, both boys and girls, by the telling.
And... write us another book! And narrate it yourself. You are one talented broad!! lol.

PS: I'd love to hear the story of your mother and what brought her to her faith and life choices.

Thank You For Your Courage

Wow, this is a great book and the author is a great narrator. Unthinkable to think Lacy had to go through all of this but so glad that she was able to work through it to appoint to be able to write this book which I’m sure will help so many others and hopefully bring her some validation for what she went through. I’m glad the school was finally exposed.

Sad, but captivating and very important memoir.

This was incredibly well narrated and beautifully told, with great sensitivity regarding the difficult topic.

Absolute Must!!

Lacy! You are brilliant! Your editing and arrangement, your vocabulary...supreme in every way! Thank you for heroically surviving the ugliness that continually surrounded you and triumphing. It is so important to realize, first, how widespread this type of corruption is, second, to be shocked, to never get used to it! Third, to believe and be mad and investigate ASAP. Lacy, you have enriched us with your life, your excellent craft of skilled writing. I could read your wordsmithing for decades. You are a writer first class. Thank you again. I can share this with many. Bless you indeed for the wisdom.

Devastating infuriating story, brilliant writer

This was perfectly told. What a brave, selfless act by a victim who chose to tell her brutal abuse (physical and mental) by young men, sick fellow. entitled students, a monstrous, unscrupulous school beaurocracy, and a twisted corrupt legal world. She told her story rather than sue the bastards who fought and won in covering it all up. She shows how to turn victimhood, oppression, and horrific shaming into hereoism and brutal strenght! Brava and thank you, Ms. Crawford. God bless you, your wonderful husband and kids.

Thank you Lacy Crawford

Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty in this heartbreaking and courageous account of your brutal rape. Gone are the days that we will silence sexual assault survivors if only least because saying out loud the words that might include ‘without asking my permission, they thrust their cocks so hard down my esophagus, causing me to believe I would die of asphyxiation, that for years after I would not be able to speak, eat, drink or sing without excruciating discomfort. And not know why while everyone else did. And I would blame myself.’ Not saying these words because it would not be polite, because these words rape and cock and thrust and asphyxiation are not appropriate for ‘dinner conversation’. As a survivor of child sexual abuse by my parent in the 1970’s, I am so thankful that because of the patience and bravery and beautiful words of you and so many others, that I have agency to tell my story. I can secure safe havens and boundaries that I never would otherwise be able to have had without the institutional change that has come from breaking the silence of sexual abuse by survivors that are gifted in the written word like you. I am so grateful and I will read this book over and again for the reassurance and encouragement that you have given. And by the way the best narration I have ever heard, hands down! Whoever says that authors should not ever read their own work have not read this. Beautiful voice, stunning in its timing, tone and clarity, it is dreamlike song to my ears. I wish you all the luck in the future.

Sad story, well told

I relate to this story and its author’s silencing. I’m glad Lacy had an opportunity to share what happened to her and expose all the people who had an opportunity to be compassionate along the way but who, instead, blamed her for making them uncomfortable. Particularly, it’s sad to know her parents never quite got there with her. I wonder what they thought after reading this book!

The outspoken starkness of a personal injustice

This is one of those unforgettable books not only because of the narrative but because of the narrator.
Lacy Crawford is one of the few authors who relates her story with an emotional and yet factual perspective which draws the listener into the intimate drama of the events.
This is a "must listen" for anyone who has ever been assaulted/stigmatized/discriminated against as it delves into the mind of the victim without a feeling of pity rather of courage.
It is - in my opinion - recommended listening for all those who feel it "could never happen to them".

There Are No Words

The story itself is extraordinarily powerful. But what makes this book truly special is its eloquent writing and even more eloquent narration. Ms. Crawford’s voice is the equal of her style; her candor is beyond impressive. This is a truly important and powerful memoir.