Memory Eternal

Living with Grief as Orthodox Christians

By: Sarah Byrne-Martelli

Narrated by: Sarah Byrne-Martelli

Losing someone we love is never easy, but the Orthodox Church provides a wealth of resources that help us to bear it. Chaplain and bereavement coordinator Sarah Byrne-Martelli draws on these theological, scriptural, and liturgical resources, as well as the collected experience of a variety of people undergoing grief and loss, to provide a kind of road map to the grieving process. Included in the book is a guide to an eight-week bereavement curriculum that can be used in a group or on one’s own. As Orthodox Christians, we do not seek to “get over” grief but to carry the memory of our loved ones eternally in our hearts.

Ancient Faith: the leading publisher of books about Orthodox Christianity in English.

©2022 Sarah Byrne-Martelli (P)2022 Sarah Byrne-Martelli

A comforting exploration of grief w/in Orthodoxy

Initially, my interest in this book stemmed from my growing desire to explore hospice chaplaincy once I'm out of the "stay-at-home mom" phase of life. The author is a hospice chaplain, and I knew that listening to her words on dying and grief within the context of our tradition would be rich experience. I wasn't disappointed.

As I began listening, though, the memories of departed loved ones filled my mind, along with the realization that my parents are elderly and will one day depart this life. In that context, this book's relevance grew. When Byrne-Martelli connected our experience of the Liturgy with the presence of the holy ones who have gone before us, I realized that learning to attend more fully to the Liturgy now might be helpful preparation for the eventual passing of other loved ones that will happen.

Her exploration of grief and the practices of grief within our faith tradition is so tender and compassionate! Thanks to having listened to this book, I am interested in attending to this thread (about the connectedness of heaven and earth) within our liturgical life now, so I am more attuned to this form of comfort and connection when the inevitable losses come down the road. It also was of great help now when encountering a dear loved one at church whose beloved grandmother just passed. In that moment, there were no words I could offer, only "Christ is risen."

Whether you are grieving now or know you one day will be grieving, this book is for you.

Wonderful book that helped me navigate the grief following my Dido’s passing

I have gifted this to multiple people after the loss of their loved ones. It is a manageable read/listen that explains the beauty and meaning behind Orthodox Christian funeral and memorial practices.

Excellent

This was informative and insightful. Full of excellent insight to work with the bereaved of any faith. It is wonderful, informative book on Sarah’s religion and their rituals.

‘Memory Eternal’ helped me healthily grieve

Memory Eternal: Living with Grief as Orthodox Christians

As I near the one year anniversary of my father’s death, I was given the opportunity to review the audiobook version of Sarah Byrne-Martelli’s Memory Eternal: Living with Grief as Orthodox Christians. My grief at the one year mark has been what feels like a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ process; very discouraging. “I should be farther along in the process,” I tell myself on a particularly hard morning. These days, tears don’t flow easily, which has left me very edgy, numb, and down at times. I feel changed, hoping one day I will wake up and be my naive self again, believing in goodness, and not seeing death everywhere I look. Little would I know that simply starting this book would bring about tiny miracles in my life.
When I began to listen to this book, I began to feel the walls come down; not in a violent way, but instead brick by brick, gently. It was affirming, calming, and gave me an incredible amount of peace. I felt supported in the grief process. The stories of other grieving Orthodox christians made me feel less alone in my pain. The tools provided on how to reach out for help, how to pray, how to function on hard days was invaluable. I also felt validated that my father’s presence is still very near, and that is where the tiny miracles began.
I have a photo of my dad on my fridge, holding my son. The photo is taken from the perspective of standing behind him, over his shoulder. Before he passed, I viewed this photo as being centered on my baby boy, and now all I see are my daddy’s soft, freshly shaved cheeks , and whose aftershave I can still smell. Before reading the book, I would pass that photo and miss him. Now, I stop and kiss his cheek and tell him I love him. Sometimes I imagine his cheek has one day stubble and he playfully rubs it against mine as he would do often. It’s so painful to imagine, but it is also equally joyful - the mystery of it all!
Another miracle since saying yes to the next phase of grief is deciding to write this review on my laptop instead of my phone as would be usual to me. As I opened my computer, I saw the note my dad wrote about me on my 32nd birthday sticking out of the cover of my laptop. After my dad passed away, my siblings and I drove to his home to go through his possessions. All I wanted was something from him, a note, a sign, anything. Within 10 minutes of being there, that note was found. It was a surprise and reminder of my dad’s love for me, and that I do feel him near. The fact that it was brought to my attention again tonight as I write this review is a beautiful kiss from my God to me.
The final miracle I will share here are the tears that fall as I type. To know that we have a sweet God who cares so deeply for us that He will meet us in our grief and walk hand in hand with us as we go through it; that grief is not always linear, that it doesn’t have to look a certain way, and that He is present. He gives us tears to show love, and I did and do love my daddy.
I recently attended an Orthodox funeral for a leader in our Church, Metropolitan Herman, and it wasn’t what I was expecting. The Metropolitan was laid in the center of the church, surrounded by dozens of priests and clergy, adorned not in black, but instead in white. It was a delicate balance of grief and loss, married with hope and life. They proclaimed joyfully words of resurrection given to us by Christ, and those words made death a little less scary and daunting. They celebrated his life and also grieved him.
I am grateful for the Orthodox Church and it’s perspective on death and how we say, “Christ is risen!” as well as “memory eternal!” To keep his memory eternal, to keep him alive, to re-member him and put him back together… this is an important part of being an Orthodox Christian. My faith supports my grief. This book supports my faith. Pick up a copy, start a grief group (this book contains a guide for leading grief groups in Orthodox communities), reach out to someone who has suffered a loss.

A Sigh of Relief for Grieving

My grandfather fell asleep in the Lord last month and I was blessed with the opportunity to listen to a free audio version of “Memory Eternal: Living with Grief as Orthodox Christians.” What a blessing this book has been for me going through the grieving process.

The book talks a lot about the secular idea that one should be done grieving after one year. As if there is some sort of switch to turn off the feelings you have. This book flipped that notion upside down and gives the grieving reader permission to feel exactly how they are feeling for as long as they need to feel it. This was a huge sigh of relief for me. I had a traumatic loss when I was a teen and was never told this.

I also loved the parts of the book when the author talked about being connected to your loved ones after they have passed. As a cradle Orthodox Christian, I grew up praying to the Saints for their intercessions but I never thought to pray to my loved ones who had passed to also help. Knowing that it is normal and ok to have a connection with a loved one who has passed brought a lot of comfort for me, and I do still feel my grandfather’s presence.

But I think the biggest highlight of this book for me is the bereavement group guide that is provided in the book. What a great ministry for churches to offer for their grieving parishioners and a platform for them to make true connections with others in the church whom they might never had without the bereavement group.

This being said, I wouldn’t recommend the audio version of this book if you are looking to use the prompts, questions, and exercises the author talks about in the book. It is worth getting the physical book instead to be able to participate in these more easily. Great book and a great asset for the Orthodox Community to be able to use!

Over all, this is an engaging and helpful book.

This a very engaging and helpful book for entering grief in your own life or coming alongside a friend or loved one in their grief. I wanted to read this as I am a newer convert to the Orthodox Church and am still learning about theology. Also, as a mental health therapist it is helpful to grow more in your understanding of helping people in their grief. The author's added insight from her own life helps to make this an easy read/listen. As well, the group guide in the appendix will be very helpful to those not accustomed to helping individuals in a group setting process their personal grief.

Helpful Insights

I listened to this book as audio and I very much enjoyed it. Sarah has a very soft spoken and comforting voice. I do wish I could see some of the guide book section at the end, but listening to it is still effective.
Death and grief are a difficult topic to deal with. No one grieves the same way and the culture we live in is oftentimes not helpful with the way we try to remove ourselves from death. I appreciate how Sarah shares not only her professional expertise, but also her personal stories as a teen dealing with the death of family and friends and how this began her experience with grief. I had several deaths in my family as a child, but nothing could have prepared me for the suicide of my 17 year old brother when I was 21 years old. I had just graduated nursing school and was in orientation for the labor and delivery unit. Ironically, I attended an 8 hour class on bereavement on the same day he died. I know that having that class that day was a gift from God. My mom was not good, emotionally, for 2-3 years after my brother died. I would have not had any idea about grief at all had the Lord not put me in that class.
Now as a catechumen who has lost 2 grandparents in the last year and can still feel a stinging sensation in my chest every time I see an old lady in the grocery store or see the right kind of car on the highway, I found this book extremely helpful. Tying death to our salvation and the cross brings a peace to the hurting. Sarah does a great job of pointing out the unique connection that Orthodox Christians have with the dead. The routine practice that we have of praying for our deceased loved ones is one of the reasons that I was drawn to the Orthodox Church. Sarah covers this as well as the funeral services and the deep meanings that are oftentimes missed if we are not aware.
In the last part of the book where she includes the bereavement group guide, she gives practical information and then challenges the readers with a few simple tasks based on the information, to aid in their grieving process. Even if there is no formal bereavement group in your parish, we all are at some stage of grieving or know someone close to us who is. As we move into the holidays, I am going to be working through the guide again myself and will be sharing some of these things with my family.