Killing Myself

By: Arthur S. Newman

Narrated by: Angela Ohlfest

You don't want to judge this book by its title, but if you must...

Ask yourself one question.

Is there hope for a way back from despair?

“I have been trying to figure out what it all means. Have you ever felt that this life we live is monotonous?”

“Before I answer you. Can you explain why you feel that way? Just give me a little more to go on.”

“I wake up every day to the same old song and dance. After breakfast, I spend two hours looking at numbers on a screen that say I am worth so much. I go and play a round or two of tennis. Well, I slug through it; I’m supposed to keep moving. Then lunchtime approaches. Oh, what to have for lunch? But really, it is the same old choices. And then the long wait for the evening to come. In the meantime, I try to occupy my time at the racetrack. Evening comes and dinner, then some reading until I fall asleep. Wake up and do it all over again. Like I said, monotony.”

I did not always feel this way.

Life used to be full of surprises.

I do not know what happened or what changed.

“It seems like forever, but in actuality, it has been a year. About the same time that I lost complete control of this cage called a body.”

“I want to make sure I have captured the essence of why you no longer want to live. You have expressed that life is a monotonous routine of events. That you no longer want to participate in. Also, your body seems to be enduring some sort of medical condition. That leaves you feeling lethargic and trapped.”

“That is the simplified version, and do not forget to add that there is no cure, according to those who have examined me. Although some believe that it is just in my mind. I hope that that is not what you were referring to, when you said it may be in my brain. 'Cause this is more than a mental thing.”

“No, that is not what I meant at all. I believe your brain may be sending faulty signals to your body. It may be short-circuiting. Like a bad fuse or circuit breaker in the electric panel.”

“Brownouts, thanks for the clarification. That is different, I think.”

“In my years as a psychiatrist and therapist, I have discovered that there are multiple reasons why a patient does not behave normal. One being—”

I cut Doctor Snow off like pausing a movie.

“Chemical imbalance, been there, done that. I was on a steady diet of antidepressants. They supposedly were to increase the levels of serotonin, yada yada.”

“Okay, how about electrotherapy?”

“Shock therapy, you are kidding?”

“Why a psychiatrist and not a rocket scientist?”

“The brain in a way is more complex, and space seems so unattainable. Sure, we can send rockets into outer space, but once we get there, you are so limited. And living in such a tiny living space would cramp my style.”

“So, what was so dark about your choice?”

“I do not normally tell this to my patients, but since you and I have shared human subjugation by an unopposed force…something few will ever experience and survive to talk about.” Suzanne took a breath, as if to reminisce about our recent ordeal.

“Sounds like you are preparing to drop a bomb on me.”

“When I was 11, almost 12, I experienced a horrible transition through puberty. I felt as though life had given me a raw deal. I also had a friend and we would feed off each other’s misery. Eventually this led to us making a horrible decision that haunts me to this day.” She stopped.

“You just keep on giving, don’t cha."

©2022 Arthur S. Newman (P)2022 Arthur S. Newman

Great book

It’s a great book outstanding dialogue 10/10 I would read it again it was great.

Worth the time

The title was killing me, curiosity killed the cat. Pun’s intended. I would like to know if anyone else was taken by the title, the long and short I came for the title and stayed for the story and narrator.

Dark, disturbing with a glimpse of light. A powerful narrative for your psychosis.

When I started listening to this story I thought it was disturbing and too dark for me, but I couldn't put it down. I had to see where it was going. Every chapter left me with questions. This book is a powerful narrative for those who may be experiencing some form of psychosis which I think we all do. In the end still dark, disturbing, but with a glimpse of light. A powerful narrative for your psychosis.