How to Become a Federal Criminal
An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender
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How to Become a Federal Criminal
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Narrated by:
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Jonathan Todd Ross
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By:
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Mike Chase
About this listen
A hilarious, entertaining, and illuminating compendium of the most bizarre ways you might become a federal criminal in America - from mailing a mongoose to selling Swiss cheese without enough holes - written and illustrated by the creator of the wildly popular @CrimeADay Twitter account.
Have you ever clogged a toilet in a national forest? That could get you six months in federal prison. Written a letter to a pirate? You might be looking at three years in the slammer. Leaving the country with too many nickels, drinking a beer on a bicycle in a national park, or importing a pregnant polar bear are all very real crimes, and this riotously funny and ridiculously entertaining book shows how just about anyone can become - or may already be - a federal criminal.
Whether you’re a criminal defense lawyer or just a self-taught expert in outrageous offenses, How to Become a Federal Criminal is your wonderfully weird window into a criminally overlooked sector of American government.
PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
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Story4 out of 5 stars 50
Could Superman sue if someone exposed his identity as Clark Kent? Is a life sentence for an immortal like Apocalypse "cruel and unusual punishment"? Is X-ray vision a violation of search and seizure laws? Is the Joker legally insane? And who foots the bill when a hero destroys a skyscraper or two while defending Metropolis? Fear not, gentle listener! The answers to these questions and a multitude more are contained inside this audiobook.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Legal Pedantry Has Never Been This Much Fun
- By Troy on 07-31-14
By: James Daily J.D., and others
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Lies the Government Told You
- Myth, Power, and Deception in American History
- By: Andrew P. Napolitano
- Narrated by: Andrew Napolitano
- Length: 11 hrs and 53 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 38
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 30
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Story5 out of 5 stars 30
In Lies the Government Told You, Judge Andrew P. Napolitano reveals how America's freedom, as guaranteed by the US Constitution, has been forfeited by a government more protective of its own power than its obligations to preserve our individual liberties.
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5 out of 5 stars
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A Must Read America 🇺🇸
- By Jamie Schaible on 05-30-23
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How to Read the Constitution - and Why
- By: Kim Wehle
- Narrated by: Kim Wehle
- Length: 9 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 143
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 128
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 128
The Constitution is the most significant document in America. But do you fully understand what this valuable document means to you? In How to Read the Constitution - and Why, legal expert and educator Kimberly Wehle spells out in clear, simple, and common-sense terms what is in the Constitution and most importantly, what it means. In compelling terms and including text from the United States Constitution, she describes how the Constitution’s protections are eroding.
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2 out of 5 stars
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very biased
- By Anonymous User on 01-25-20
By: Kim Wehle
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The Lizard King
- The True Crimes and Passions of the World's Greatest Reptile Smugglers
- By: Bryan Christy
- Narrated by: Tony Ward
- Length: 7 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 105
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 79
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 82
When Bryan Christy began to investigate the world of reptile smuggling, he had no idea what he would be in for. In the course of his research, he was bitten between the eyes by a blood python, chased by a mother alligator, and sprayed by a bird-eating tarantula. But perhaps more dangerous was coming face to face with Michael J. Van Nostrand, owner of Strictly Reptiles, a thriving family business in Hollywood, Florida.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Snakes on a plane!!!
- By Kim on 02-13-14
By: Bryan Christy
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Fast Food Nation
- The Dark Side of the All-American Meal
- By: Eric Schlosser
- Narrated by: Rick Adamson
- Length: 8 hrs and 56 mins
- Abridged
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Overall4 out of 5 stars 2,035
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Performance4 out of 5 stars 800
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Story4 out of 5 stars 799
To a degree both engrossing and alarming, the story of fast food is the story of postwar America. Fast Food Nation is a groundbreaking work of investigation and cultural history that may change the way America thinks about the way it eats.
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1 out of 5 stars
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Uncritical alarmist rant
- By Mark Freeman on 12-23-03
By: Eric Schlosser
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Unwarranted
- Policing Without Permission
- By: Barry Friedman
- Narrated by: Sean Pratt
- Length: 13 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 32
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 30
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Story5 out of 5 stars 29
In June 2013, documents leaked by Edward Snowden sparked widespread debate about secret government surveillance of Americans. Just over a year later, the shooting of Michael Brown, a black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, set off protests and triggered concern about militarization and discriminatory policing. In Unwarranted, Barry Friedman argues that these two seemingly disparate events are connected - and that the problem is not so much the policing agencies as it is the rest of us.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Insightful book
- By laserpro on 03-02-17
By: Barry Friedman
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Chasing the White Dog
- An Amateur Outlaw's Adventures in the Moonshine Capital of the World
- By: Max Watman
- Narrated by: Max Watman
- Length: 9 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 49
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 45
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 45
In Chasing the White Dog, journalist Max Watman traces the historical roots and contemporary story of hooch. He takes us to the backwoods of Appalachia and the gritty nip joints of Philadelphia, from a federal courthouse to Pocono Speedway, profiling the colorful characters who make up white whiskey's lore. Along the way, Watman chronicles his hilarious attempts to distill his own moonshine - the essential ingredients and the many ways it can all go wrong - from his initial ill-fated batch to his first successful jar of 'shine.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Wonderfully written and narrated, poorly recorded.
- By Cameron on 04-18-16
By: Max Watman
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Narconomics
- How to Run a Drug Cartel
- By: Tom Wainwright
- Narrated by: Brian Hutchison
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 3,756
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 3,310
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 3,290
What drug lords learned from big business. How does a budding cartel boss succeed (and survive) in the $300 billion illegal drug business? By learning from the best, of course. From creating brand value to fine-tuning customer service, the folks running cartels have been attentive students of the strategy and tactics used by corporations such as Walmart, McDonald's, and Coca-Cola.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Worthy book in the "economics explains X" genre
- By A reader on 04-11-16
By: Tom Wainwright
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Oh, Florida!
- How America's Weirdest State Influences the Rest of the Country
- By: Craig Pittman
- Narrated by: Mike Chamberlain
- Length: 13 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 102
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 90
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 89
Oh, Florida! To some people it's a paradise. To others it's a punch line. As Oh, Florida! shows, it's both of these, and, more important, it's a Petri dish, producing trends that end up influencing the rest of the country. Without Florida there would be no NASCAR, no Bettie Page pinups, no Glenn Beck radio rants, no USA Today, no "Stand Your Ground" - you get the idea.
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2 out of 5 stars
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A book about the author's political views - boring
- By L. Burney on 03-03-17
By: Craig Pittman
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Jackpot
- High Times, High Seas, and the Sting That Launched the War on Drugs
- By: Jason Ryan
- Narrated by: Keith Sellon-Wright
- Length: 10 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 187
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 163
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 165
Author Jason Ryan takes us back to the heady days before drug smuggling was synonymous with deadly gunplay. During this golden age of marijuana trafficking, the country's most prominent kingpins were a group of wayward and fun-loving Southern gentlemen who forsook college educations to sail drug-laden luxury sailboats across the Mediterranean, the Atlantic, and the Caribbean. Les Riley, Barry Foy, and their comrades eschewed violence as much as they loved pleasure, and it was greed, lust, and disaster at sea that ultimately caught up with them, along with the law.
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1 out of 5 stars
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If You Enjoy Injustice
- By Laura on 01-14-21
By: Jason Ryan
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Made in America
- By: Bill Bryson
- Narrated by: William Roberts
- Length: 18 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,542
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 1,275
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 1,274
In Made in America, Bryson de-mythologizes his native land, explaining how a dusty hamlet with neither woods nor holly became Hollywood, how the Wild West wasn't won, why Americans say 'lootenant' and 'Toosday', how Americans were eating junk food long before the word itself was cooked up, as well as exposing the true origins of the G-string, the original $64,000 question, and Dr Kellogg of cornflakes fame.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Bryson Not Reading Makes For a Rare Fail
- By John on 02-28-14
By: Bill Bryson
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The Mob and the City
- The Hidden History of How the Mafia Captured New York
- By: C. Alexander Hortis
- Narrated by: LJ Ganser
- Length: 9 hrs
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 523
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 459
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 456
Forget what you think you know about the Mafia. After reading this book, even life-long mob aficionados will have a new perspective on organized crime. Informative, authoritative, and eye-opening, this is the first full-length book devoted exclusively to uncovering the hidden history of how the Mafia came to dominate organized crime in New York City during the 1930s through 1950s.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Hard one to rate....
- By Jeffery D. Giuliani on 09-24-20
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Allow Me to Retort
- A Black Guy's Guide to the Constitution
- By: Elie Mystal
- Narrated by: Elie Mystal
- Length: 8 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall5 out of 5 stars 2,223
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Performance5 out of 5 stars 1,970
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Story5 out of 5 stars 1,950
This is an easily digestible argument about what rights we have, what rights Republicans are trying to take away, and how to stop them. Mystal explains how to protect the rights of women and people of color instead of cowering to the absolutism of gun owners and bigots. He explains the legal way to stop everything from police brutality to political gerrymandering, just by changing a few judges and justices. He strips out all of the fancy jargon conservatives like to hide behind and lays bare the truth of their project to keep America forever tethered to its slaveholding past.
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5 out of 5 stars
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Informative and Entertaining
- By Kindle Customer on 03-06-22
By: Elie Mystal
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Last Call
- The Rise and Fall of Prohibition
- By: Daniel Okrent
- Narrated by: Richard Poe
- Length: 17 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 484
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 422
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 424
A brilliant, authoritative, and fascinating history of America’s most puzzling era, the years 1920 to 1933, when the U.S. Constitution was amended to restrict one of America’s favorite pastimes: drinking alcoholic beverages. Okrent reveals how Prohibition marked a confluence of diverse forces, including the growing political power of the women’s suffrage movement and the fear of small-town, native-stock Protestants that they were losing control of their country to the immigrants of the large cities.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Very Thorough Historical Review
- By Pierre on 11-12-12
By: Daniel Okrent
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God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy
- By: Mike Huckabee
- Narrated by: Mike Huckabee
- Length: 8 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 176
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Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 156
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Story4.5 out of 5 stars 153
In Mike Huckabee's new book God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, he asks the question, "Have I been taken to a different planet than the one on which I grew up?" The New York Times best-selling author explores today's American culture, drawing from his travels as a presidential candidate to present average, small-town people and families, and their optimistic resilience in the face of hard times.
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4 out of 5 stars
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Review
- By Dorothy Ella on 02-13-15
By: Mike Huckabee
What listeners say about How to Become a Federal Criminal
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Beth Swope
- 03-08-24
A great read
A wonderful plan for my retirement. Poor Johnny Horizon. I enjoyed this book and laughed out loud more than once.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- B. Potratz
- 08-03-19
I'm a proud FedCrim - who has no idea what he did.
The last paragraph is the penultimate slam on Government stupidity and political correctness.
5 stars.
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