Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior?

[6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical?

[10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma?

[14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what?

[22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one?

[27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around?

[33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner?

[39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me?

[44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction?

[51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.”

• “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.”

• “Getting sober is not about not doing things.”

• “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.”

• “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.”

• “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.”

• “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:24] Is disclosure always necessary?

[3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are.

[6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others?

[9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love.

[11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery.

[13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool?

[17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner.

[22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership.

[27:10] The importance of relational agreements.

[30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship?

[35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs?

[42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements.

[45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us?

[49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.”

• “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.”

• “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.”

• “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.”

• “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.”

• “Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.”

In this week’s Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD?

[6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders.

[11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction?

[16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn’t remember what he did?

[20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery.

[24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating?

[31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details?

[37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text?

[39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues.

[42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure?

[44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction?

[50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites?

[53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner’s rage?

[54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can’t act out together?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.”

• “Often the behavior looks manic, but it’s really addiction.”

• “Having one positive experience isn’t going to drive long-term change.”

• “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.”

• “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn’t change your life.”

• “Recovery isn’t about stopping behavior. It’s about integrity and doing the right thing.”