• 479-Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

  • Apr 18 2025
  • Duración: 54 m
  • Podcast

479-Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

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  • Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer There is something so incredible about a story of redemption. And, dear reader, I believe this conversation will be a turning point for you, as it has been for so many in our community. I’ve walked alongside men and women wrestling with the deep pain of sexual brokenness- the battles they face in their marriage beds, their thought lives, their past, and the weight of shame. I’ve seen firsthand the power of God to restore what seemed utterly lost. And this conversation with Jay Stringer is an invitation to that very healing journey. Jay is a therapist, minister, researcher, and author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. His compassionate, curious approach offers a fresh lens: that the very behaviors we hate are not random. They are clues. And they point us to healing. On this Good Friday, as we reflect on the sacrifice of Jesus, there is no better time to consider what it truly means to lay our shame at the foot of the cross. Let’s dive in. The Cross and Your Story of Healing We all carry wounds. Some we’re acutely aware of, and others we’ve buried so deeply that they show up in our actions long before we recognize them in our hearts. Jay opened our conversation by pointing us to the profound truth of the cross. Jesus knew exactly what you would do. Every mistake. Every moment of shame. And yet, He chose to take it all upon Himself. He bore your sin and your shame. This is not a journey of trying harder to be good enough. It’s about understanding how deeply Jesus loves you, even in your lowest moments, and choosing to respond to His love with a courageous step toward healing. Unwanted Behaviors: They Are Not Random One of the most freeing truths Jay shared is this: our unwanted behaviors are not random. Through his extensive clinical work and groundbreaking research, Jay discovered that the specific ways we struggle are deeply connected to our stories of origin. Jay explained that in his role as the sex addiction therapist for the city of Seattle, he began to see patterns. Men arrested for soliciting sex were not making random choices. Their actions were connected to predictable stories of pain and trauma. Whether you grew up in a home of neglect, where your heart longed for connection and was left empty, or in a home of rigid control, where you felt powerless and unseen, these early experiences shape the way you cope and the behaviors you pursue as an adult. Your brain, your body, your desires are all responding to unhealed wounds. Understanding the Root: Family Systems and the Power of Priming Jay described two primary family systems that often set the stage for future struggles: The Disengaged Family System: Parents were physically or emotionally absent. Your longing for connection was never fulfilled. When you first experienced the neurochemical bond of pornography or sex, it felt like the deepest connection you had ever known. The Rigid, Authoritarian Family System: Parents were hyper-controlling, using performance or religion to shape you. You felt powerless and suffocated. Pornography, in contrast, offered a false sense of control and power over your environment. Both systems prime you for certain temptations. And recognizing this isn’t about blaming parents or excusing behaviors. It’s about gaining understanding. Because understanding is what allows us to grieve. And grieving opens the door to healing. As Jay says, “You can't just try to stop an unhealthy behavior. You have to understand why you were drawn to that behavior in the first place.” Shame Keeps You Stuck. Curiosity Sets You Free. As Christians, we know the seriousness of sin. But too often, we try to hate our way to holiness. We believe that if we punish ourselves enough, we’ll finally change. But, the Apostle Paul tells us that it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Not our contempt. Not our loathing. Not our self-hatred. Jay encouraged us to replace self-contempt with curiosity. Ask yourself: Why am I drawn to this behavior? What is the pain underneath my actions? What does this reveal about my longing to be seen, known, and loved? When we approach our story with curiosity, we give God space to reveal the roots of our pain. The Shark of Shame: Swim Toward It Jay also shared a fascinating metaphor that I just love: Professional shark diver Andy Casagrande was once asked what to do if a great white shark is swimming toward you. His answer? Swim toward it. If you swim away, you act like prey. But if you move toward the shark, it confuses the predator, and it backs away. Shame operates the same way. When we run from it, it devours us. But when we confront it — facing it head on, sharing vulnerably in trusted community, seeking counseling, and naming our wounds — we rob shame of its power. Swim toward the shark of shame. Face it. Name it. And ...
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