The Long Suicide

Losing Ariel

De: Sara Niles

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

The Sun Stood Still and the world lost its color:
The phone rang, it was the Deputy Coroner of Sacramento County, California

"Ariel Died", she said as a simple matter of fact statement that she must have made hundreds of times before.. My heart sank and the world went black, as my mind, overwhelmed with those simple two words, could process nothing more. Time stopped.

Ariel committed suicide in 2013, fresh off one of her many manic fantasy adventures in which she planned to conquer the world, for the thousandth time, followed by her usual magnificent crash into utter heartbreak and despair. Bi-polar alone is enough to battle for the average person, but Ariel had a cacophony of diagnoses to contend with, including Schizoaffective Disorder, along with trauma issues, and an unreasonable view of her place in the world. The world had to be either conquered or she feared it would destroy her; although I continually reassured her that she was her own biggest enemy, the world was only a minor player in the All-or-Nothing 'Game of Life' she toyed with.

No matter what happened or what was said, Suicide was always Ariel's Go-To card to play, leaving me in fear for her life at all times. A phone call late at night could always be 'it', the final one; and it finally, one day it was. This short account is a personal narrative of Ariel's suicide in the form of a psychological autopsy, told as I negotiated the loss of my daughter by her own hand. Unfortunately, my experience is not rare, as millions of family members, lovers, and friends, have been left behind to process the loss of loved ones.

The complexity of suicidality is never about just one thing, or one moment in time-it is a cumulative combination of life experiences, events, perceptions, and learned behaviors that are easily displaced by mere logic, or even by love.
The Three-Headed Monster lurks in the shadows of almost every case of suicide, just as it did with Ariel.

• Trauma and Suicide
• Mental Illness
• Addictions
• Psychological Autopsy

Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world; one suicide occurs every forty seconds. There is no war, or disease, that consistently kills multitudes like suicide. While most people fight to live, there are those who fight to die.
Because of the enormity of the problem, suicide touches the rich and poor, the talented and the privileged. I lost my middle child, my daughter Ariel to suicide after fighting to save her for eighteen years. Saving Ariel was like saving a drowning person out in the middle of the ocean.


There are reasons why people choose suicide that are often rooted in childhood. Ariel was born into a family plagued by family dysfunction and violence. In 1987, when Ariel was seven years old, her entire world disappeared overnight; when our family ran for our lives and fled our home, virtually disappearing to avoid being killed by the children’s father. The traumatic upset of losing everything we had and breaking ties with every person, cast us as refugees in our own land. The dynamics set in motion within a family that has experienced long term domestic violence, are invasive, and continues to affect children’s view of themselves and the world. Ariel was torn between the black and white thinking of 'I am not good enough versus I am wonderful and powerful, I am a failure versus I am the greatest' , as there were always polar extremes in the way she viewed herself and everyone else. As I revisited our shared past, I saw clearly that Ariel learned how to see the world when she was stationed in the War-Zone of our lives with her father. It was the little girl Ariel who learned that her world was All-or-Nothing. The mold was set, and the broken pattern held.