Dating Over 35 With No Clothes and No Patience

How a Naked Pacific Northwest Girl Survives Love, Lust, and Awkward Tan Lines After Thirty-Five

De: Kristin Williams

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

Let me just start by saying that I did not wake up one morning and think to myself, Kristin, you know what you need to do to really shake things up? Toss those jeans in the trash and go strolling around the suburbs like a shiny pink mole rat. No. Like most bad ideas in my life, this one began with a margarita, Tanya yelling at me that I was “uptight,” and a very poorly timed trip to a nude beach in Spain.

Now before you picture something sexy, let me ruin that for you. Imagine me, pale from a Seattle winter, trying to look confident but actually looking like I was trying to return a shopping cart that was rolling away in the wind. Tanya, of course, just stripped right down like she was born for it and immediately made three new friends named Pablo, Paco, and someone who I swear was just a very tan accountant from Michigan. Meanwhile, I am there with my armpits clamped down, looking like I had been hit with a tranquilizer dart.

But here’s the thing. Something happened that day. I realized that I had spent my entire adult life letting clothes and shame and what other people thought wrap me up tighter than a pair of Spanx. So I came home to Seattle, chucked half my wardrobe, signed up for a couple of nudist retreats, and somewhere along the way, I started dating without pants. Literally. And let me tell you, dating over 35 is already a minefield. Add in the fact that you are naked, and suddenly you are in a minefield where all the mines are also naked and very opinionated about body hair.

How I Learned To Stop Panicking And Start Laughing

First lesson, if you ever decide to date without clothes, you have to develop what I call the Nude Reflex. The Nude Reflex is basically your ability to pretend that you are not mortified when someone’s mom walks through the kitchen while you are standing there holding a plate of deviled eggs and no underwear. Happens more often than you think.

Second lesson, nudist dating is not nearly as sexy as people imagine. People think it’s some constant orgy. No. It is mostly a lot of sunscreen, folding camp chairs, and praying you do not sit on a pinecone. And before you ask, yes, I did sit on a pinecone. And no, Tanya did not let me forget about it.

Third lesson, naked fights are exactly the same as clothed fights except that nobody knows where to put their hands when they are mad. There you are, butt naked, trying to make a point about emotional boundaries while the other person is also naked and gesturing wildly and you are both trying not to make eye contact with parts that should not be involved in the argument.

Why 35 Is The Perfect Time To Drop Your Drawers

By the time you are 35, you have seen some things. You have dated men who thought Axe body spray was a personality. You have had breakups in parking lots. You have owned at least one decorative throw pillow that says “Live Laugh Love” and you meant it at the time. And so, when you hit 35, you start to realize that there is no time left for patience. Or pants.
I live just outside of Seattle, so I am surrounded by trees, kombucha, and people who want to talk about their feelings in a hot tub. Which means I am perfectly positioned to do this. And when I am not in Washington, I am traveling to some place where it is perfectly acceptable to have dinner without worrying about whether your bra straps are showing because, spoiler, you are not wearing a bra.

This book is basically my travel journal of bad decisions, hilarious naked disasters, and a few surprisingly good insights into why dating without clothes is both the worst and best decision I ever made. If you are over 35 and tired of pretending to be someone else, or even just someone who wants to laugh at my expense, then pull up a chair. Maybe put a towel on it first. And let’s get started.